Pass the parcel!

Christmas time and my coping strategies change year on year.

This year, having just exchanged contracts on selling our house today, Papa W's five-oh birthday today too and now 25 weeks pregnant added to the mix, I am again in a place where I need to accept less of myself.

Less gifts made for those I love. Less paper acknowledgments (xmas cards) sent out. Less money to spend on the kids. Less privacy to keep stockings etc the magical secret they can sometimes be. Less energy to weave magical, timely, wholesome festive cheer amongst the home team.

I had some time of real discomfort overnight on the 19th when I realised there was no gift completed for my partner and lots of half-finished gifts for others... and that if I did finish them I would probably be on the floor (and what kind of gift is that for those who share my life??!!)

I love looking at the kids' patterns with all this:

Sunburst gives away many of his toys (or tries to) to friends when they visit. He especially likes to wrap them up. He is often thinking what he can give to people. The material things are important in that giving moment and I sense that it doesn't matter who actually 'keeps' them at the end of the playtime. The object may go home with the friend or it may stay here, the gesture of giving is as satisfying either way.

Elderflower is really clear about her gift giving and receiving. She takes time for one person, pours concentrations and care into the making. Things are quite weighty to her -- she won't give away things that she loves, she knows exactly what she wants to buy or acquire when opportunity comes her way. For the moment, gaining is definitely her favourite -- whilst she might think of someone when she sees a particular thing, she would rather keep it for herself than pass it on. She enjoys having money and singles out objects with crystal clarity.

Blackberry is massively generous and effusive in making gifts, cards, projects for others. These flair up quickly and are rarely followed through to actually handing them over (unless a parent comes along, nabs it and bags it up, seals it in an envelope for the person before it is discarded!) But out of the fifty projects begun over a few days, there will be one that is finished and presented and is totally inspired. But that one is no less or more important than the rest, each one is full of a furious and passionate drive to create for herself and for others.

I love that (in my understanding of the world) the energy of the gift we make reaches the person, even if the actual thing does not. I had a fantasy of burning all the cards I've made this year, with love, bcs I'm not sure I've got the where-with-all to distribute effectively now that they are sitting in a box written and sealed. You know in Mary Poppins, the letter that gets ripped up in the fireplace? It whips up the chimney in the magical west wind and is reformed for the nanny to find. That kind of thing.

At this midwinter time of festivities, we've all got our way of expressing ourselves. And each is equal to another, just as our other forms of expression are individual. More or less love can not be equated accurately through material goods. And thats quite a revelation to me. I feel like I'm saying something really basic that everyone else figured out years ago! But for me these things are fairly new -- that what I do is largely down to me, and my behaviour simply makes me, me.

Night time Crunch

Until recently, the kids were up and gone by 7 or 8 and downstairs was mine. It was great for getting the essential personal time needed for ourselves in order to be decent home educators. I liked it.

Not only has that time been slipping away, which i guess is quite natural at this age, I've also found that bedtime has become a battleground again.. . I like to think that I'm not doing anything that different, and all in all I'd like to imagine I'm fairly straightforward, loving, gentle and clear at bedtime but I'm being met with rudeness and stubbornness so something's definitely changed.

Now I mean no harm to my young ones as I share this -- it is hard to imagine these experiences being pinged into cyberspace, but it feels like a really healthy way to glean support and other perspectives from those of you who are reading. I am, like many, keen to be a decent parent and I most definitely don't want to scar them with my inadequacies -- although some scarring is inevitable seeing as we are playing out life Earthside! Sometimes I imagine that if I was non-thinking, reflecting and worrisome about all this, they'd all be a darn sight better off!

I accept however, who I am - and that worrisome, deep thinking and reflective is all part of the deal of choosing me as a mother!

So -- the tiptoe dance with my 9 year old:

I've explained (in my most careful Non-Violent Communication style) that when comments are made at bed time - such as 'We don't want you in here, why can't you just go away?' and 'Yes you keep telling us, I don't see why we have to do what you say', it coincides with me feeling hurt and extra-tired and worn out and not like I can relax in my evening which then can mean I don't feel like I've had my evening break.

I am yet again met with these same comments/tone of voice this evening so I ask B to go down while I read stories to E and S. S hears B fannying about downstairs and gets up to join her. S very much choosing same style of talking -- 'I'm not doing what you say'. 'if i don't get my orange, I'm not going to bed' kind of thing.

I'm calm goddammit (why????!! because they are children going through their own things and because i don't particularly want to tell them what to do authoritatively, threateningly .. and so they can have that freedom sure, and I remain clear about what I expect and whats happening now and I protect my space and time as much as I can without being threatening or lauding over them in a 'I'm the adult' kind of way which I can't stand)

And wait.

And now they are rested and sleeping.

But I'm pretty agitated and trying to find my voice in all of this. I'm saying what I can to B and cuddling her a lot, offering my lap as a recharge space when she needs it - which is still accepted frequently. But my word she's got a mouth on her at the moment!! And I don't want to ignore all of it lest I become a complete doormat. It feels good when I manage not to go all crazy and authoritarian on them (which doesn't work anyway) -- but I'm not entirely sure I've nailed an alternative yet.

Hoping for some light on possible strategies here.
Namaste
A x

An experiment in control

I would love to know what other fabulous parents think about this issue (and please excuse me as this is very flow-of-consciousness this post! I am using the space to work out what I'm feeling)

When does controlling become too restrictive?
How can we as parents know when we are controlling something for our own benefit and actually its not that big a deal for the kids?

Here's some things we control the children's exposure to/use of:
TV, Computer games, internet,
Gluten, Sugar, Caffeine, to many processed foods, hormone injected/factory farmed meat,
Additives, aspartame, artificial colours etc.
(Media, news, other visual images or movies that are teenage or adult themed - though this is not an issue, it is easier to avoid over-exposure to these)

I also control my own exposure to these things - I find that too much of any of these things is detrimental to my health. However, to try to control the kids' use of these things can be really time-consuming, energy sapping and it can often result in me making up arbitrary rules that have no back up - out of fear that somehow we 're going to get swallowed up by these things. I feel I am working against the 'State' who actively promote and expect these things to be a usual part of childhood and life in general, so to try to curb or limit the use of them is swimming against a very swift and strong tide.

Blackberry is cross today. She is tired and cranky because she stayed up late through her own choice, repeatedly ignoring gentle reminders that its late. She is angry because we had two no-screen days at the weekend, my response to suddenly feeling that it had taken over our lives -- she patterns Papa W and I's use of the computer which is having it on all day and writing on it whenever we remember there's something to do, something to check, something to ask, watch etc. We want to change this habit for ourselves. Its an addiction like any other. Without the constant availability of a screen, my creativity soars and I feel more in control of my own life. I am wanting this freedom for my children too.

It is most noticeable when the children crowd round each other on there and are oblivious to anything else.
It curbs our creativity by giving an unlimitable distraction away from real life (and yet what is 'real' life? If a lot of their friends are doing these things unlimited, then what makes my kids any different?). Again, this is partly because of the constant streaming of high-stimulation adverts, information, allusions to a particular lifestyle, mind-numbing and subliminal programming that is allowed and promoted by the State.

Without it though, it is easy to feel isolated (I love blogging and visiting Facebook at intervals) - without television access I can sometimes feel like I am over-sacrificing! Being a martyr to a hippie cause, which isn't true of me. I feel I can hold my centre and accept all different lifestyles, I just want to be able to choose. And yet the pervasiveness of what's offered by mainstream is harder for a child to filter is it not? Or easier maybe...! That's what I mean, when do my parental concerns turn into overkill? These precious creatures that I care for are naturally more evolved than I, and so surely will have other means of filtering all the nonsense out?

And so Blackberry is fighting back by grabbing back her autonomy in other ways. It is slightly more complicated than that (as it is in all family dynamics! and again I won't attempt to psycho-analyse that one on this blog)...  but enough to say that I can see the link between me trying to control things (for what I as her guardian see as being her best interests) and then her needing to assert her autonomy in other ways. And as a result I'm feeling pretty miserable!

I'll leave it there. I'm amazed if you've read to the end, thanks, and I'd love to hear your comments below. I don't know why this has come up for my attention today, but trying to go with it and express it as it works through.
Namaste.

Pathways

Moved to talk about all the different decisions we make in parenting. I'm getting softer definitely on what I consider OK for families -- have been very hard-line 'home edder' for a year or so, probably to support myself through the big transition. But was shown very recently what hard-line can do for our friendships, happiness and general well-being.

We all make decisions based on where we are in our own development, influences, life-path. I think we can tell whether these decisions are healthy or not by how well we feel, how our children are, our inner compass so to speak. But ultimately there are so many factors involved in parenting that where we might strike gold in some areas, we are sure to let some things through the net elsewhere. Its part of the child's natural development to learn from our mistakes as well as what we see to be our successes.

I have this visual image that I'm going to try and put into words, here goes.

A series of lines, webbing, overlapping

 - Television Watching: at one end we have the folk who say (and carry through with) No telly ever, at the other end the folk who have it on all the time, the rest of us walk the line in between.
- Vaccinations: some don't, some do, for all different reasons and none, they choose either end or some place in between.
- Development and education: Predominantly at home, predominantly at school
- Diet: gluten free, dairy free etc at one end, eat anything at the other
- Learning/teaching to read and write
- Availability of Computer
- Relationships with peers
- Relationships with wider family and other significant adults
- Antibiotics
- Communication, answering back not allowed, healthy arguments encouraged
- Birthing, natural process at one end, hospital procedure at other

And so in this web (with many many more lines that I have named) are families, walking their way through this 3,4,5 dimensional map, feeling their way forwards, sometimes confidently, sometimes blindly, sometimes staying still for a while and then bouncing off elsewhere.

Its all OK, that's what I wanted to say. Its all OK. Except when its not, but then noticing when its not is the first and biggest step to realigning and evaluating where you're at. And even then, it is all OK because we're human, we're on our paths each of us and we're figuring out how to do this parenting thing in a very busy and chaotic world. Take a breath and know you are the best person to be with your child right now.

Namaste.

Best Day of the Year

So dubbed by Blackberry as we rode home from the pet shop this evening :) Again reminding me that the magic is indeed in the normality, regularity, the simple.

I get such joy hearing them all with Papa Weststar, they're doing a jigsaw together at the moment. He has such wisdom in the simplicity of what he offers. I heard him earlier say - so what will it be? Clay or painting - at a moment when my clock was well and truly switched off and I'm into total freefall before bed, he has the forward movement of an activity to offer (neither of which they chose to do! but hey!).

It is a total balance between the two of us parenting which I never imagined could happen. When I feel ready to drop he's often there and likewise when he needs space I'm energised to be On the Case Mum. In fact perhaps it is the only way both of us get to flow with our skills by taking it in turns, not so much scheduled-in 'shifts' as naturally letting each other take over when a break is needed. (disclaimer: It is hard work and has taken years to allow the flow of these moments and we frequently mess up!!)

And through all of this, I guess we are finding our rhythm. This follows on from the deschooling period as we are truly planting footsteps a little more surely now. For years I've wanted a better way of marking Advent than a chocolate calendar that they sneak under their pillows and ransack at intervals. My creativity simply couldn't operate when the practical toings and froings of school were at play. And last year, early in the de-schooling period, I was still reeling and landing, allowing the chaos to move noisily around us as we settled.

This year is a bit more spacious. I've a sore throat and headache this evening but I'm listening. I hear my actual need to share on this blog, my inner being calling out for down time, some unravelling. It is only by stopping that I can honour myself with the time I need to get some thoughts, some creative time, some reflecting. I've designed my Advent idea and I can't wait to see how we'll experience this time together over that month.

When I do this stopping and honouring myself, I can feel the peaceful wave move through the house. It is good to listen to what you need kids, its cool to just stop when you need to. Nothing else matters in these moments. I love that mantra: Nowhere to go, Nothing to do. Allow the ebbs when they come and you'll be fully energised for the Flow as it returns!!!

The beauty of the tree that conserves its energy for winter, gracefully loosening and letting go of the patterns, things, concerns and past that it no longer needs.

Stay in your homes!

I'm consistently amazed at just how little I can manage outside of the basics at the moment! 19 weeks pregnant, selling the house, 3 lively kids at home soaking up all the alleys of experience that we explore together. OK so the basics are quite involved to be fair!

Every time I think I've made some big steps to come back to the home, to minimise, simplify, centre... I find just a few weeks later that I'm still running around like a crazy thing and finding all the same symptoms of overwrought come in to play. Pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, dietary confusion, dark days. And its time to minimise some more. Not sure why I'm obsessed with being busy because the kids aren't really that fussed! Some of our best days are the ones where we're at home, taking it steady with good food, each following our own little rhythm inside the rhythm of the day.


Giving up home ed just doesn't feel like an option anymore... although of course it is! I mean I can't imagine losing the freedom and structure to our day - hard work though it is, I am more alive and more authentic than I was before. The quality of life for all of us simply being and growing together was not manageable fitting in to the traditional working timetable.

There we go, a short little moment, didn't want to lost the thread of the blog, though life is turning upside, downside round and round, there's something about checking in -- I totally see how the word blog came about!

Flames of Fear!

Still massive 'bridge' issues with Blackberry, so many areas where she is taking the lead and branching out and feeling older but clashes with me when I ask her to help out or attempt to direct her in any way.

Elderflower's front tooth has come out, feels like another blessed moment in her development, where she noticeably feels older. She wants more of the 'concessions (?)' of her older sister, feels that there is unfairness in the air.

Sunburst fiercely frustrated with others. As my only boy this is all new to me and I am learning on the run! He's ready for some different encounters, new friends perhaps, new situations to grow into.

So wow lots of stuff here!! 

Alongside big changes in our housing situation, at the moment seeming that we may be moving before the end of the year.

So in times of change what shall we do? 

Panic?!

Tempting!! 

I'm certainly catching myself in the Panic camp at moments! But choosing not to go there, certainly not on this public blog (I'll keep that for the privacy of the early hours of the morning where thankfully I've taken to retreating into the silence of colouring creativity, finding my way back to Trust).

Here I'm going to go for Gentle Acceptance. 

Things feel more frightening when we block them, either believing that they are wrong or that somehow we are wrong for experiencing them. It takes a lot of energy to block and so I find that by listing situations and encounters as they are, neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, it releases them from my perceived idea of how things 'should' be.

As a consequence I usually feel massively calmer. This process removes my clinginess to the perceived danger, my patterns of trying to conquer situations, my anxiety that I 'should' be behaving in a certain way.

May I hold a clear safe intention wherever possible and be ever ready to soothe Love on the flames of our angry fears.

...versus Mama Tiger

Well after a day of non-interference (see the last post) I nearly exploded (I was trying it a little too conscientiously I think!) And I was back to growling when required and sticking my oar in sometimes unskillfully. I am in fact human.

Lots of positive stuff is going on - I'll go into those another time. Current challenges: Blackberry's anger bursts of frustration dominating the room of otherwise chilled-out family-members, a disregard for something we'd (I thought) agreed as a family to remove ourselves from the room for explosions and re-enter when we're calm... Oops I could growl quite a bit about my eldest right now actually and I want to protect the privacy of our relationship by holding my tongue a bit.

Its hard eh, parenting, seeing the mirror, knowing when to let go and when to push, when to react, when to ignore -- and if I try to be too skilled and ordered in my responses I eventually reach a place where I can't hold on to my carefulness anymore. It all presents itself to me in an avalanche of worries, frustrations, criticisms of her and me simultaneously, reaching up to the heavens for some guidance on how the heck we move through it, fear that somehow the day has been ruined by this blot on family life, fear that she will never learn anything if she has such a short attention span and threshold for disappointment... it all comes crashing down on top of me and I momentarily break.

One thing that I feel has changed for me in the last year or so is that I'm OK with letting that Mama Tiger out -- I try to let it out in one blast if I get pushed to that place (and generally their are lots of warnings when Mummy is approaching that place!), walk off, out of the space to recentre and make myself safe again and then drop it. I don't hold grudges (as far as I can). We call it putting on our Teflon Suit - non-stick, let it go, drop it.

Lots of forgiveness, lots of compassion - we're all just trying to work it out, moment by moment. She's incredible I know, quite an exquisite soul learning the limits to her behaviour and gifts, like all souls here on earth right now. May I be authentic in my role within her exploration, its OK to be a tiger sometimes.

Out of the Way Mama!!

Today I've been practising the art of staying out of Learning's way. Not physically, as we're all in pretty close proximity around here :) but keeping my thoughts to myself a lot, watching my habit of suggesting, asking and generally butting in to the children's flow. Keeping my focus on my own thing, preparing food, making a card for a friend, other jobs about me, following my own flow which all contributes to letting them follow their own. Also playing, joining in, as appropriate when the (many) opportunities came.

In the Shift film I mentioned (Wayne Dyer) there's a simple sequence where he speaks to a mother of two about how children have their own internal compass - "Let them use it". Rather than 'Can you get your shoes on?', 'Can you brush your hair?', 'Pick up your things now please', 'Can I help you stick that poster up?' (so its more pleasing to my eye and not on the wonk!), 'I think you'll find it easier like this' etc.etc.

Part of this process is about letting go of my ego (or whatever you want to call it)'s hold on what should be happening - a lot of my comments and queries are from a place of anxiety or need for control. It was really relaxing to let go of them, I thoroughly enjoyed the day, handing over this need to grip hold of how the day is shifting.

(I also had a gluten and sugar free day accidentally which may contribute to me feeling calmer)

Here's a list of what happened (and this was all before we got out of our pyjamas!) Again, this is simply what presented itself without me managing anything or leading particularly - except perhaps the spelling and numbers bit with Elderflower which naturally unfolded that way, simply doing as much as she wanted without pushing it. The rest of it was their own flow.

Elderflower recognised an aerial picture of a hurricane and the eye.

We talked about which of our relatives may be able to tell us what it was like to live through the second world war.

Some discussion about dinosaurs, skeletons, fossils, eggs and how the archeologists and scientists have come up with the images of what they think they looked like

The end of the dinosaurs, volcano, meteorite - ice age, whats that, how does it happen?

Pyramids, can you lift one?

Putting up posters, negotiating where to put them.

Blackberry read a story to E and S over breakfast.

Why gloves sometimes have the thumb pointing upwards rather than lying flat - the physiology of the hand.

Counting 1-10 Sunburst

Holidays - why does it take so long to get there?

Game of Happy Families with Flags of the World

Drawing pictures of butterflies and labelling them

Elderflower reading our last chapter together, savouring the book (not wanting it to end!), some spellings, some numbers - practising how hundreds look

Blackberry makes some small bags for her siblings and cousins out of fabric with her sewing machine and puts in some conker pets in them, wraps them all up, labels to give to them later.

Checking out the height chart and seeing if it can be cheated.

I stopped writing the list at midday when we had our lunch. Had a lovely day x

Season changes !

Lets get this back to home ed!
None of this writing in the middle of the night malarkey - I have a blissful free few hours in the house (and of course overrun with things I'd like to do with it!) Now that we have changed our routine again to include me Not working, we're all in a bit of a muddle getting all the individual needs met again. All in a tumble after Sunburst's birthday week and now coming back down to ground. Not sure if I've seen the back of the wheat yet (after my last post), but not focusing on it too much.

We've had the heating on once or twice, days are getting shorter.
There were some fab readings at our chapel service yesterday:

I'm going to type out my favourite:

The heart is the seedpod of the soul. 

The heart is the seedpod of the soul.

When the divine rain falls on her, 

She breaks open and grows towards the light,

Nourished by the good dark earth,

Fed by the compost of experience,

And shaped into uniqueness

by the winds of suffering.

Warmed by the sun, the radiance

at the heart of all life, her tendrils

reach out for other plants, to know

the joy of true companionship:

The love of one being for another.

Fed by the hidden waters of the earth,

She explands and contracts, changing and growing.

In spring she puts on leaves

and shivers with gladness

at the touch of the Beloved.

In summer she blossoms

and gives forth ravishing scent in the bliss of union.

Then the ripening of fruit

and the time of falling leaves

as the return to the Source draws near.

Then the chill of age and wisdom

and the plant stands naked

before the ultimate.

Now she scatters her treasures to the winds

and the seeds of love area carried onwards

to lodge by chance in some plot of earth,

Barren or fertile, there to nourish some other growing plant.

Yvonne Ayburrow

Thats all for now
x x x

Ode to Gluten

Gluten you Mess Me UP, Man!

Sugar, you're pretty bad, too.

My relationship with you sucks, I've no control, I consider myself to 'deserve' you and yet you treat me so bad.

                      ~ you're like a candy-bar lover, looks too good to be true, flaunts yourself, catches my eye, waits til I give in, then forgets me, leaves me totally unsatisfied and hurting, wondering how I ever succumbed to your ways. Dammit!

And I used to sit diary-in-hand, writing about boys.

Writing how good-for-nothing this one might be, or how in pain I was, and then I'd conveniently forget and skip off down the road again...

So in this new me lifestyle where I value myself and my instincts, where will gluten and sugar sit?

Do you know I don't know if I can let go?

How can that be true?

Maybe I like my midnight silent retreats

(why not do these voluntarily without the belly pain?)

Maybe I'm addicted to the substances.

Maybe I don't truly value myself when it comes to the serious business of creating the life that I want.

Maybe I choose to be a slave to the modern (warped) diet

with its emotional and physical rollercoasters.

It feels like a wagon at the bottom of a hill, with no means of pushing it to the top, even though beyond the summit lies fresh green pastures, clear blue skies and opportunities galore, freedoms boundless.

What will it take to charge my steed to take on the task?

I have an excellent 'Goblin' exercise that i just tried out to ask myself that question. It was really fun and revealing. For more details, a five minute exercise to connect with authentic self, follow me :) <3 <3 <3 

The Home Ed Treatment

I've been to a concert this evening of inspiring heart felt music from a couple based in Dartmoor, Carolyn Hillyer and Nigel Shaw. You can find them here.

They sang of the land, of freedom and of our ancient roots.

So I'm remembering the revolution of choosing home ed and how it felt initially (and still feels now, especially when watching friends still factoring school in, I feel so released from this pattern that didn't work for me). A phenomenal freedom I had not even dreamed of.

And I'm deeply aware that there are other areas of our life that need The Home Ed Treatment - the Leap of Faith!! The Stepping into the Darkness with Trust and Fearlessness.

• I'd like to stop paying a mortgage that we can't afford.
• I'd like to spend more time based in the countryside with the rivers and the trees and some silence.
• I'd like to continue centralising the need for a close community of like-minded friends, cut out the distractions and the doubts.
• I'd like to stay focused on my individual growth, so as to model this within the family, nurturing growth and evolution for us all.

It is only when we release ourselves from the things that are not working that we can make way for the new. It takes courage and is immediately rewarded by expansiveness, fresh open breath, and the knowledge that we are more powerful than we could ever imagine. Go For It!

Being me without the distractions

Start writing and it will come. Floods of feelings about projects planned, begun and aborted, other projects not planned and yet blossoming beautifully unbidden by my conscious mind.

My favourite quote this last week is :

"When I let go of what I want, I ready myself to receive what is truly mine.

The second of these is the greater gift."

Anita Moorjani: Dying to Be Me (from memory so not word for word)

I have been Very Grumpy at the moment, my hormones are raging through my system, my tolerance level is low - high - low- high !!! I am grieving the loss of the plans that I had before I became pregnant. The loss of the me I was familiar with before, what I was able to manage physically and mentally, what I was hoping to manage over the next couple of years.

And much that I love having babies and adore my children, I have this sense that I'm again sitting back on my heels, that my power has been taken away, that I must sit this one out.

Thanks for hearing that, I totally trust that my discomfort will pass and that it is all part of the seamless tapestry. I welcome this little soul and feel joyful about it too, just have no idea about the rest of our lives!

Surrender, I think is the key.

I can not control how I am viewed by the outside world, no matter what my perception of that worldview is. The only person judging me is probably myself!

For me, the swiftest way to process painful feelings is to express them and indulge them, get right in there and explore the territory. I have been writing my feelings down, talking when I can, identifying the things I need in my life to support me.

The only things I have lost are hot air really, the bits that my mind had mapped out for myself. The bits I thought defined me, defined how I am in the world, what my role is (particularly outside of the family). What I've gained is a totally new horizon where I trust I will be guided and led to continue my true growth as human being.

I believe really the only thing that we can be certain of during life on Earth is that is full of change and chaos! I welcome the opportunity to get better at coping with this truth.

I hope that you are well and that you are nurturing yourself wherever change and chaos persist in your own lives.
Namaste
Ali x



A Toy Train in Space

posted by Blackberry, they all had a lot of fun with this

Timidly, boldly, valuing Me

Today a little more about me and accepting that the choices I make are down to me. Just as it was me who's emotional barometer stopped us from schooling, I've found my limit again in terms of how much I can take on. Lots of months planning the kind of work I'd like to give a go, interview, paperwork, initial training and bam I've hit my cry-o-meter buttons again.

But this time I'm listening!
I went for months, years of forcing myself through pain barriers as a teacher, as a mum, waited until something really physical snapped like a miscarriage once, nearly a marriage in another moment! Waiting for these massive external things before I'd stop forcing myself. I'd got so used to waking up with dread and tears, explaining away, reassurring everyone around me that I'm fine, head down, battle on, follow an unseen expectation or dreamed up agenda.

And then this last year with the decision to home ed, the excellent hard focused work my partner and I have done to heal our relationship I have found a new kind of living where days flow, where difficulties are shared and where the foundations are strong and nurturing. I've experienced smiling, the flow of love and of Grace, of knowing myself to be held in the palm of Love's hand.

And so the tears, lethargy, mental dizziness came all this weekend and I'm listening. I've taken a step away from work to value this pregnancy and to focus back on these children, our educating life which must take more of me than I had realised. I feel shocked (again) but I can sense that this was a necessary choice to value myself and the powerfully simple things we are doing here. This is my work for now.

Letting go of the reins

First two weeks of my part-time job with a learning curve of its own, my hardest thing, I think, is letting go of what's happening at home. Papa Weststar is grand with them all here, so thats something to accept (I am not irreplaceable!) but also here are some snippets of how I know that learning is going on in my absence.

Elderflower asked about fossils today and before either of the adults could respond, Blackberry lunged across the room for her rocks and minerals book, zoomed straight  to the paragraph with the answer and read it aloud. Voila.

Elderflower's reading is coming along beautifully.

My last little snippet is about swimming: you may remember I have commented on it before, not ever understanding how we were to learn this skill without trained tutors!! Well, E did it her way a few months back, following our instructions and adding her own stamina and determination. B took up residence in the corner of the pool for about 7 weeks on the trot, basically practising going under water and holding her breath.

It might have looked like avoidance sometimes, or general loitering, but last week she started to bounce along the bottom during these spells of breath holding. Until she asked one of us stand a little way away, and three, four strokes later there she was with the biggest beam mirrored by all present!

I love it :) x

I wanna eat anything But Not That!

Now a pregnant woman is not someone to give you a wholly centred take on diet matters! I have craved mostly gelatine-filled sweeties and bacon which has not sat that well with me, but has brought much pleasure when I've got over myself and dug in to said products.

I can feel that grains, carbohydrates, sugars are not that great for me. And I'm a bit fed up about it. We've been baking bread on Saturdays which is such a fab process to learn and share but here's the crack, Blackberry in particular but the others to some extent just can't deal with the gluten! She's been howling today with screams of unfairness and emotional ups and downs that we haven't seen for weeks.

Now having read today in Motherfunker's ace blog a Call Out to us all to say Yes to being different and Yes to our alternative choices, sticking up for our unique belief systems and lifestyles, I am bolstering myself to simply be bold and make gluten free bread (for a start), grain-free bread (ideally) on these Saturday moments.

I'm sticking my heels in because of the expense and the extra effort at a time when I want to be gentle with myself. Starting a new job for 21 hours a week to which I cycle (12 weeks pregnant) and the adjustments to home life this has naturally brought has floored me a bit. Eating sugar is not helping I'm sure, nor gobbling the home made bread yesterday and having cramps all evening! New recipes needed, new ingredients needed! Juggling so many balls I don't know where to put my attention!

Just how autonomous can you get?!?

Its a pleasure to have Blogger back, our computer has been poorly for a week or two. There's been many a moment when I've wanted to get blogging again!

The beginning of our second year home educating, in a much more relaxed state than this time last year (and still a little room for more comfort next year as we continue to settle into this lifestyle).

In the first week as the rest of the neighbourhood children got into their schooling timetable, I came home from the shop at 11am to find all mine hanging on the front gate, hollering at me down the road. They'd only been in the front garden for a few moments (I was told after my overreaction!) but my instinct was to tell them all off and hurry them inside. I seemed acutely sensitive to drawing attention to ourselves. If we are seen to be not at school, at least lets seem to be working, focused, taking life seriously.... (!)

Perhaps some of this was the initial shock of all the children disappearing again. How it becomes normal to have such a limited number of age-groups around during the daytimes. The inviting of young people into institutions so that any still with their families seem out-of-place is frightening.

Anyway, I'm over it now!

And the point of this post was about planning. And how we do little in this house, and yet how clear it is where the progressions are, where to go next. The questions from the children pile in minute after minute. I remember reading in Ross Mountney's book her tip was to not plan further than a few days ahead and this advice sits well with us. Whilst I have the urges to map it out, I am learning more and more to trust where they go with things, they have their own map. So far this suits us just fine, in fact I feel very lucky that I can trust their process as it removes us parents from the driver's seat and puts us all co-piloting.

It has taken the de-schooling period for this love and thirst to be replenished, particularly for Blackberry the eldest. She now totally gets that its not up to us to feed her information, she has many projects and pursuits on the go. She joins in with us sometimes, she goes off sometimes. She doesn't wish to be taught, and we are navigating our ways to communicate more successfully each month that passes.

Elderflower is our teacher's pet (!!) in that she allows Papa Weststar in particular to lead and teach in its more traditional sense. Its a gift I think that she lets us follow a little thought pattern path with her for an hour or two, happily sinking her teeth into the suggested tasks. She has violin lessons and loves it. She's up for most things.

I never thought i'd be an autonomous educator. I became so schooled myself in traditional chalk and talk methods that they felt like the safest route. I knew no different. And yet in autonomy I find great comfort and happiness. Like the walls that hemmed me in imagining that life was just one long straight line from A to B have crumbled and fallen and I can dance wherever I choose. Going with the flow of the day, being present with their questions whether we are in the house, garden, city, county. Except for one hour after lunch and from 7pm onwards, I'm their's, we're together and we're doing the cha-cha-cha! - One step forwards one step backwards.......!

If only there was a 'Like' button !

Loved finding lots of comments on my blog today!! Visitors and regular readers alike, please do continue to jot a couple of words or thoughts down after the posts when you've time, it brings the whole thing alive.

People new to, or considering home education, please do scroll around between posts. There's lots over the whole of the last year about how we've made the transition out of a school-based lifestyle, the things that came up for me personally and for us as a family.

I tend to jump around a bit myself too, the thoughts I intend to blog are not necessarily the ones that get recorded that evening (if there is an available slot on the computer at all that is!) Those ones stew for longer in the thoughts pot and turn up weeks later with add-ons. Also they are much less rooted on the home ed subject now I think, so indeed scroll backwards if thats what you are looking for.

Enjoy, thanks for reading. Tell me about your blog too if you have one :)

It wasn't on The Map!

Some quite unexpected events have fallen in amongst the Weststar householders. All completely joyful, though at first glance they may seem like crises.

Just after my successful interview (you'll remember the one, big life change, half-time work, moving up and out of unemployed life, into sharing the paid work and home ed balance....) - I fell pregnant. Yes I do know how it happens, but I made a mistake about timings and this is how I find myself. And so Number 4 Weststar is on her or his way.

So up until now I've planned and dreamed and forged my way forwards with what I understood my life to be about. The map was detailed, if a little boring, I fitted in to what might be expected of me from the outside. (Well, except for the home ed I guess, and the grain-free awkwardness, and the anti-vaccine stance... OK OK dream on Westy if you think you were fulfilling expectations!)

So I thought I was following my map and pleasing those around me if they took the time to need pleasing.

But now, this absolute Gift of a soul growing in my belly is very inconvenient. We won't fit in a normal car (which we can't afford to run anyhow!), we are still largely unemployed in any real monetary sense. I smart at quite how this could have happened. It wasn't on the Map!

And yet I think I feel today about as humbled and lucky as I have felt of late. Totally supported by Grace and the Flow of Life. My new boss is figuring out how to still have me in a slightly different role and probably less hours initially. Friends have come forward with help and support abundant. I've realised I really did want another little bear (and any of this is only possible because of home ed, there is no way I would bring someone else into my previous incarnation as a school-running clock-watcher) and I totally trust that we'll figure it out.

Or, to hell with figuring it out. Its already sorted, we just have to surrender and go with the flow to support ourselves, continue our excellent family life and enjoy the relationships within our family and friend community that co-sustain. Hard work yes, I know that, but real ground roots work where we grow, thrive, learn and unfold.

When have unexpected things happened to you and how did you welcome them into your life? I'd love to know. Thank you for reading friends.

LIfe's pretty uneventful really!

Describing different ways of understanding basic fractions over the last few weeks, found a new way with Blackberry today while she is singing her way through banana bread making. Jotted it down on the whiteboard after we'd talked about it so she can look at it when she wants to.

These are the moments where I can see they're learning! But all the gaps in between are full of those moments too. We've just said no telly for a week and I can sense the relief all around us. Just like when I cleared all the toys out of their room (needless to say its full again at the mo!! Everything ebbs and flows!)

We made bread on Saturday (wheaty even though we don't eat much wheat... its such a satisfying process and totally delicious to them - deprived of fully glutinous bread that they are the rest of the week!) Sunburst walked around the kitchen, his newly baked loaf wrapped in a tea towel "I love my bread, I love my bread". Going to see if Saturday works as a good day to do this each week.

Playing around with parental authority. I get so uncomfortable if we end up too far down the threats or demands route, though it would probably be helpful to come to some agreement with Papa Weststar about this. Its so obvious that Blackberry thrives on seeing how far she can push, so we end up positively draconian if we stand by our guns (about something we can just as well forget about!). Looking forward to exploring it more.

I understand the idea that children need parents to set boundaries and to be in charge, in control. But I don't see that this needs to negate their own sense of control, power and being in charge of themselves. There's so much give, take and sharing in our lifestyle, it feels total sense to work primarily on myself, my own reactions to incidents, letting the rest come.

And so day-to-day interweavings are in themselves pretty uneventful. And it is through this that I feel we've landed in home ed, we're preparing our little ones for life, day by day, moment by moment, mistakes, lightbulb moments, problem solving, the whole thing.

Activity city!

I have sat at many points on the opportunities seesaw. What opportunities do we want for our children? To fill them up with everything that comes our way, to install in them a religiousness to their attendance at skill-building workshops because they might need them one day? To have a chance to do the things we didn't do as kids?

I remember bending over backwards to give Elderflower the chance to try out 'toddler tennis' when she was 4 - Blackberry then 6, to school, Sunburst, then half a year or so into a friend's arms at home and we two would snatch this 45 minutes session in the school hall at 10am each Wednesday. I was at that time keen to 'fill them up' with stuff that sounded good. Well everyone else seemed to be doing it.

Blackberry tried an after school club for a few weeks too. Again, everyone else seemed to do it and this musical opportunity was being poured full of government money with young keen musicians leading the show. Picking her up at 5.00 I chivvied her along, oh it'll be fine come on, you'll enjoy being able to play the violin.

We've tried Rainbows too. It was great for a few weeks, then flop.

Do we lack backbone? No, I think we simply are letting them lead, trusting their decisions. It is quite a hassle getting them places, which I'm more than happy to do if the place feeds them. But if they don't like it why would we push it for now?

Rhythm

Every few months, the telly watching starts to crescendo upwards (from very little to a little if I'm honest!) - and it starts to feel like it takes over. I was talking with a Steiner teacher and it has renewed my enthusiasm to include the kids more in the house running, meals, tidying, sweeping etc. Like they always are, but to move things up a notch.

Back to the Simplicity Living book I think ( I'm good at reading half of books!) and on to the chapter on Rhythm, where things like this can be just part of the day. We don't need to wait til one of us is stressed and gotta tidy under duress, we simply add it in as a natural place on our day's cycle. Alongside scrubbing the wooden table, waxing the wooden drawers, stuff involving each of us in looking after the home.

Hang on maybe this is just about my housekeeping!

Maybe I've got a burst of sunshine as the kids get older where I'm able to see other jobs aside from the very basics that are covered in the first handful of years. Food, sleep, washing, bathroom, kitchen. That's about my repertoire. I remember just starting to care about the odd item of ironing before Sunburst was born (haven't got that back yet!) And veggy growing is up there in my daily tasks now :)

Some of the jobs I enjoy doing alone and use the TV option to enjoy time away from the kids for half hour or so. Gently challenging myself to see if there's still work to be done on that?

Have a friend, greatly admired, who's ditched toys with batteries. I have very little idea of how we came to have so many with batteries, I hate the things! L refers to Mother Earth and how batteries hurt her. Quite right! I enjoy this inspiration to stand by what I believe. Whilst I forgive myself for not having the energy to stand in the flightpath of mainstream culture all the time.

So there's these aspirations, TV-free, battery-free, clutter-free, busy little beavers, patching up the house like the birds in Snow White...!

And then there's what we've got. A real house with real people and some pets. Some crap (naturally!) but a fairly steady flow of stuff being passed on. Some times where we all spontaneously help each other. Cleanliness never too far away. Some TV used when tiredness or overwroughtness sets in, or when there is a quality programme to be enjoyed. Youtube used for answering questions.

Its good to have aspirations but ladling in the compassion not to look too far out of my sights.

I'm getting addicted to this home ed malarchy

I don't wish to be boring, but it really grows on me this lifestyle. I was reflecting the other day about relationships with siblings and how the school style of splitting off the age groups immediately starts us off not really knowing our family. By the time I was born, both my brother and sister were in school and my sister and I were never in the same building even my whole schooling career. My brother, with such vast differences in the peer influences four years apart were not seen to converse at school or in front of friends.

This is just one of the reasons why for me the education system is not acceptable anymore. If it gets in the way of natural growth and alliances, then no thank you. We've been trying the same way as a culture for soooo long. And it falls way short of the mark of preparing children for life. I don't mean to exclude or offend, I am calling from my corner of experience about what works for us.

And three children in a bedroom works for us. Low TV input works for us.
Talking through relationship issues, home difficulties works too.
Cooking, being involved in the running of the house makes sense.
Looking out for their individual jewels and polishing them feels wholesome.
Being with them as they grow is reassuring for us all.
Being the ones who are here to experience the breakthroughs, the magical moments as we learn about our world is life-affirming.

Heavens I'm going through a bit of a reflective one at the moment aren't I!
Me in relation to what has been the 'norm' perhaps, acceptance and forgiveness for the things I might like to have done differently myself at various points in my life.

I don't like being an outsider, still. But I don't like it enough to go back to school thats for sure. What we have feels rich, wholesome and quite simply do-able! Which for parenting is sometimes what it boils down to isn't it! I'd love to communicate that feeling of deep peace that what we are doing is just right for us all.

Gracefully Skint, Staying Confident

I can get all in a twiddle thinking which blog is which - is this just for home school stuff - do I need to be really clear about what I put on here?

And then I think of other Very Good blogs that I follow and think No! This is a blog about day-to-day life and reflections. Another place I write is Conjuring Lyrical and the distinction (kind of) is that I let myself loosen into creative flow more there, its less clear what I'm writing about.

So here, day to day, we are, financially speaking, on the ground. Floored, scraping the barrel, scratching around.
And yet, whilst that feels true some of the time, I also feel part of an abundant universe where I am very blessed. So I do get perspective on it when I can. I don't whine all the time!

Now I'm sure this is not down to home educating, though choosing to make the transition has been a full time job for both adults maintaining courage whilst buffeting each storm as we deschool. This wouldn't necessarily be the same for every family but it was for us. The transformations our lives have been through this last year have heartened and carried us a long way beyond the familiar frustrations of low-income life. Frugal Living and Voluntary Simplicity are two phrases I have learned describing ways that many people embrace this choice.

Maybe the painful moments are when I feel I'm not exercising a choice to be here, its all very well making the best of a situation and enjoying the benefits of both adults being largely at home but that can wear thin when its a struggle to buy the food for the week, petrol for the car etc. Always watching the figures, cancelling plans as the petrol prices continue to rise, imagining ways that I might ask for some help from relatives etc. All a bit dull!

My belief is that all is perfect: we draw to ourselves the situations and events that most help us evolve and grow towards the sun. Lots of learning, lots of growing. On the proactive, creative side, lets draw some strength from the anger and frustration when I feel I'm at the mercy of events or someone else's karma (is that even possible?!) - Own the Truth that we are here all together for whatever we need to learn and work through. Own the Reality that we have the money for what we truly want, its so easy to hide behind a 'we can't afford it' line, when really if we wanted it enough we'd make it happen.

I love being more home based. Its scary sometimes but it feels right. There is so much to do, feel and explore in the bosom of our hobbit hole. We don't have expensive tastes anymore which will no doubt be great when the money starts to flow a little more kindly, I grasp the value of items and services fairly acutely (please say I've learned that one now!) Our greatest expenditure bar the obvious is the decentest food we can find, local, organic, cooking from scratch, embracing our health as much as possible.

So I welcome this moment (have you noticed I write in affirmations when actually I want to grumble and whine? The next post might be the bitter twisted words that are getting pushed to the side now! or I'll save them for the sister site!) I welcome this very visceral experience of what Money has come to be, what we've made it as a global race. I trust that all is well and that we have everything we need.

How is this 'recession' or whatever we choose to call it affecting you and your family? What positive spins do you take on it when you can?

Love from Weststar, Gracefully skint, staying confident :)

The Girl Who Didn't Want to be Taught!

Introducing Blackberry, self-named pseudonym for my eldest girl who is now 8 and a half. Other name suggestions from other members of the family were Firestarter, Pathblazer, Doughnut, those of you who know us will recognise all of these I'm sure!

And so Blackberry indeed takes us along our parenting journey boldly, eyes wide open. She confidently announced to a neighbour 'I'm Never Going Back to School!' this morning (she speaks her heart in the moment without cause for thought). And indeed in the whole year we've been doing this, even in the hardest moments she's never looked back to formal education.

And yet she has been the bane of our life at times as we pull our hair out (both trained teachers!) in bewilderment of well what Do you want to learn then?

Her gift to us all has been the realisation that we need not 'Teach' her anything. She is an intrepid explorer, experimenter, researcher. The teaching goes both ways, the learning is universal. Whilst we navigate the path towards respectful communication and ways to make sure all our needs are met within our family unit, we uncover basic skills for life and development.

This evening she watched a documentary with her Dad. She soaked up information about elements and stars with such joy that we will doubtless be talking about this together for days. As she settled down to sleep it was with the security and trust of someone who is being given the space and responsibility to seek out her own map of the world, manual for life.

I find myself daily finding a deeper trust that children learn the skills and information needed for their growth into adulthood wholly when they are ready. Each stage presents itself symbiotically, we need not fret about whether they will know all they need to know (though of course as responsible and loving parents we do fret and check ourselves regularly!)

When the need (to know something) arises, so too does the desire and thirst to find out. Blackberry reaches out and gets what she needs, it is her nature.

Cool jumping videos :)

Some videos of people doing wow things.

(this is beautifully shot and really fun to watch :) it has the word sh** in the first minute or so if you want to miss that x)

Ends on the story of Kissinger in 1960, rising 31km into stratosphere with a helium balloon, and then Jumping! The highest jump recorded ever. Otherwise full of advertising by redbull but each jump fun to see :) 

S l o w down!

It is nearly a year since we were last in school!
And things have settled, we have all agreed to carry on for another year which feels great. I feel the first full breaths of really accepting home ed as part of our lifestyle.

Thoughts from this week are about there being No Rush.
And, not unsurprisingly it links to a lot I have to say about safe birthing (here's where to find my breechbaby blog). Our lives unfold, our children grow and learn, opportunities come and go, anxiety can come and go too. If we push, we don't go any faster. What's that phrase: Less Haste More Speed...

Nothing needs to be decided in a hurry. Everything has its moment. The world may like us to think that every second is a crucial pivotal moment. Whenever I fall into that trap, I find panic! I prefer the heartfelt truth that there is always time to breathe, to come back to base and to listen to whats next.

No room for school!

I want more photos on this blog! I guess thats up to me isn't it! Still only just managing to weave the writing on the blog let alone make it as attractive and colourful as some of my blog sister sites (I have totally made this phrase up but it is how I have come to find this late night blog surfing)

Today I got a job! 21 hours variable shift work, fairly low paid but something I wanted ~ with elderly folk ~ new skills and new beginnings all round. We will be threading it into our home ed lifestyle and I have every trust that it will fit in well, shifting us towards supporting ourselves financially. We are only now learning to earn our bread after a combined formal education of forty years, I trust our journey will put us in good stead to model this essential skill for our kids.

We recently stayed with good friends where I had a trial run at home educating whilst doing school runs for my niece. It was too much for me! Sure, one or the other, but both was too much. One of the beauties and central bonuses of the home ed lifestyle for me, is the honouring of natural cycles. Of letting the day unfold, play its course and then curl up to bed.

I have never been a great fan of the clock, and then when adding children to the mix it surely went out the window. Try explaining to a 2 year old that the clocks have gone back and bedtime is at a different time today it just never washed with me. Biorhythms, dips and rises in the humidity, heat, moon phases, these are the nuances to our days. Our routine is structurally sound but moves as a fractal not a machine.

I know this will not wash with my new employer! And clocks are great for meeting up with others, not to mention their clever mechanics and maths opportunities! Maybe its just 9 and 3 I struggle with! Perhaps 7.30 and 12.30 would suit me better, where have our individual choices gone?!

I think that for Elderflower it is one more year all together with no flexischooling; we will of course check this through with her, but we've already giggled together that with our current timetable there is no room for school! I know myself well enough to know that it is better to do one thing well than to try to do many things half-cocked. One home ed group in particular is flourishing, building these relationships is where I am at.

I commit myself to more natural unfoldings, to including our children in their own growth and development, to listening to their needs and the advice and inspiration of other families, to trusting myself as my child's guardian and nurturer.

Bring it on! Next year's gonna be great!!!

Creativity Silence

Its been all about logistics again this last couple of weeks. I'm not sure I've presented or chased a particular 'learning topic' in all that time. I have a sneaky feeling that this has not affected the amount thats been learned or explored by the Weststar Twiglets (collective pseudonym....!)

Thanks for the reminder Motherfunker about the shifting waves of home ed. Even though I don't feel there's anything to chart for this last fortnight (although of course if I focus and type it down, they'll be reams of information explored), I know that it is all Good Work!! Its all phemonenal. She said, he said, manoeuvring round each other, listening, feeling, finding, trying.

Its simply not quantifiable in a box ticking kind of way - though as an RE teacher hasbeen, I know that spiritual/emotional development rarely is! Knowledge growth, skill building is hard too, there's no set way of learning. How many times do you think your recipient is not listening only to find out they have a total grasp of whats being said and can take it leagues forwards when you least expect it?!

I can feel its good though and thats a nice feeling, I acknowledge that however irrationally, I intuitively know that we're growing and learning around here at the perfect pace for us.
How do you know when its been a good week? Do you chart it or mark it in any way?

I am looking forward to the next time some creative ideas come my way of activities and focuses for us to dance with. But I'm just accepting that these couple of weeks have not been like that, as with the flow, the ebb, one can not exist without the other.

Muuuum, Dad said we could.......

Co-parenting whilst home educating often amplifies the life skills being learned as we scale our learning curve. Our life coach has just published her monthly digest, Fruitful: One page of which was this on couple's coaching. I know that we're getting stronger and stronger as a couple, but I wonder if its going to take us longer to deschool ourselves (any excuses why we're still unravelling after nearly the whole first academic year has passed!) because we're bouncing off each other a lot of the time.

Where I might put a strategy or a rhythm in our day if it was just me and the kids, there's a whole other adult to weave around. And the same vice versa. At present, (nearly) everything needs seconding by the other. It can be a relief when the other adult goes out and we become a one (wo)man band for a bit. I trust as our enterprise and employment possibilities progress this will be more and more the norm. We've been alongside (and under) each other's feet for 3 years now.

I very much believe, things are as they are as part of a greater scheme - 'We're not to know' my much-loved aunt would say to me to help comfort when all seemed inexplicably messy! My husband and I are learning masses, growing as individuals and parents as we consistently bounce off each other and learn how to be with an other. Its all practice.

Whilst the progress might feel slow in this new lifestyle, it is likely that having done the hard bit of learning how to work together initially we will be on solid ground for the future when work comes in and things starts changing again. The techniques we have learned to help us communicate and act in assertive, compassionate ways is truly weaving the life we want for our family.

How do you do it? Single parenting, co-parenting, full time, part time, how do your lives ripple in and out of the wholesome tapestry with the kids?

Full Life Living Our Choices

Sitting in the car today with my son, a feast of opportunities around us. Again finding that less is more. I used to find car journeys great for conversation in my family growing up - somehow the lack of distractions gave fertile ground for real comments on life, how we all were as individuals for example. Little (we're yet to come up with his pseudonym) has always been happy sitting in the car seat, whether or not the car is moving, he has a feeling of going somewhere, a reassuring sense of journeying.

Today was the last day for one of their groups, quite happily coming to the end. Its a great group, with great tutors but too much money for us at present and life just feels so busy again. Can it really be as busy as it was at full time school? It certainly feels it! When the kids came out of the local schools today I felt like the day was only just beginning, our commitments and arrangements continue into the evenings, the kids fall into their beds replete and satisfied. Fullness. Thats how life feels at the moment. Wow, I love that.

And yet the flip side of fullness is when the simple things start slipping, where getting to the next appointment takes precedent over respectfulness within the family, or attention to the basics of our living space. So I happily let some things go (be they possessions, thought patterns or outside commitments) safe in the knowledge that we are full. Thats not to say I'm flakey. Far from it, I take our relationships gladly and seriously :) But I'm no longer packing the meet-up dates in, fretting about socialisation, or responding to every cry out for this friend or that friend. Even an empty day in the diary will be full of breath, life, stillness and movement in constant flow and balance.

Yak Yak Yak!

We do a lot of talking in this house: well, we can do a lot of talking! Its not always a good thing, wild horses can run off in different directions and pull at each other, this way no this way. Something we find ourselves saying to the kids on occasion (courtesy of our parents): If you can't say anything nice, keep your mouth shut!

The last few weeks, yesterday and today in particular I've been experimenting with saying less. How about taking our own advice? How about listening for a change?

There is a great calmness in it, it naturally leaves more space. I understand that the key to great communication is being a good listener, observing and being present, repeating phrases back/paraphrasing to show I'm listening. It works really well with kids and does keep me more present with them. From this place of gentle observation I can learn so much more about where they're at and what they're needs are.

Free Range Guinea Pigs

I've got to start typing to find my flow again - its been a week or two!

An aborted visit to go look at the flexischool I hope to be postponed rather than cancelled, at least so that we can put the idea to rest one way or the other. Its the inbetween decisions that I least like, I need a fair bit of structure myself although I am letting go of the more restrictive elements of this.

There is a cat in the neighbourhood who has figured that we have guineas and a rabbit grazing in the evenings. I am one eye on the garden! They look so tasty, if I was a cat, I'd have 'em.

A longer term homeschooler balmed me with 'it takes time' when I bathe in the 'togetherness' of her boys. They always seem to be into projects, exploring the world, keen to engage and be responsible for their learning, their life together. (Of course this is through the eyes of being a visitor, but there is much truth in it!) They are a few years out of school.

We are not far off, but we jolt from easy-going flowing learning to fights still, unresponsive, refusal, desperation. There is so much I value about the chance to work through this together. Doing less, being at home more is a key I feel. The process of simplifying warps into many areas of our life, returning to the breath, compassion for ourselves and others (well, this is my journey!) Allowing silence from which questions arise rather than pouring question after question on a hot fire.

I want to say to Elderflower (new self-chosen name for Middle) - It takes time - as there's a bit of me passionate about home ed and wanting to hold on to what we are 'just' grasping. Perhaps 2 weekly days in a classroom won't disturb that. Trust trust trust. What will be will be.

I am hoping to be in half time employment myself before long for my own getting out in the world reasons, it may be the same for Elderflower. I could harp on about this sitting on the fence for paragraphs! And I won't. Lets stick to what will be will be.

The cat is circling, the pigs are unconcerned. They play, they munch, they skip around. And when dark comes they happily wander back to their resting place fairly oblivious to the dangers of the world around them. Who am I to spoil it?!

An immediate answer :)

(I copied this after browsing a well-loved blog (address below) - its very linked to my previous post!

In her book 'Momma Zen, Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood', (on extended loan with many thanks to my dear Buddhish friend Viv) Karen Maezen Miller suggests another way of looking at our roles as mothers;

"You don't have to work so hard at this. You don't have to do so much. You don't have to endeavour to be natural, normal and good. It happens by itself when you least expect it. If you are confused about what you should be doing, try this. Stop what you are doing. Take care of what is in front of you, when it is front of you, and the confusion will pass. This is called the effort of no effort. No effort is what powers the universe.

With time your roots grow deep and your branches long. You lean less backward in fear and a little less forward in doubt, resting solidly right where you are. When the wind blows, you bend. When it stops, you straighten. Your boughs provide shelter and shade. Your strength supports the sky. Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself.

Your baby will be ok. "

Thanks Mother funker, taking this one to heart:

Pasted from :
http://feetonthegroundandheadintheclouds.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/do-we-need-to-try-so-hard-to-be-good.html

Hot tin roof head

Its raining hard on my washing at the moment. Its 4am. Solly woke an hour ago wanting the landing light on and my brain has decided its time to get up! Hopefully temporarily, enough time to share and drink herbal tea, then snooze again!

I'm pretty grumpy at the moment and whilst I might have saved that information from my blog a month or so ago, I'm going to share it all with the group today!

The decision about whether or not middle has some school days in her week: we have a school about 15 miles away in a village who's head encourages flexi-schoolers (i think there are 11 out of a total 37 there being partly home edded). Could be a happy half way point to try out.

It brings up loads of stuff though for husband and I. For me there's a comfort in thinking we might do it - and its the weirdest reason. Not because I necessarily think it'll be best for Middle (although in the short term its good to give these things a go) but because they'll be a fixed point or two in our week where someone else is doing the organising. I sometimes find the sheer weight of hearing and going some way to answering everyone's needs (let alone my own) just phenomenal. Its all practise.

Muddled in with that is trying to Guess what others are needing! I think I do this a little too much. I worry they're missing something and swoop sleuthlike on the perceived problem with strategies for sorting out. Some might say this is a clear sign that my own needs aren't being met: If I spent as much time engaging with what I need and reaching out to meet those needs, I would be modelling the behaviour I'm looking for which is clarity in expression, learning to ask for what we want and finding the answers ourselves.

Stuff has taken over our house again, the waves of simplifying are tough. We are like magnets it seems and attract shed loads of objects from the outside world to clutter our living space. The book says be strict to start with. I'm not very good at being strict.

Also, there seems to be this massive time delay between where I see ourselves and where we actually are. Create Your Own Home Ed style. Sure, the potential is exciting, the reality when it works is real, life affirming delight. But as for the times in between its hard work when we never really know how OK it is except for the fact that we'd rather be doing it than not doing it.

And maybe thats enough. How do you do it longer-term home edder goddesses? How do you know this is the right thing? And if you don't (know) how do you keep the task a manageable one?

Love and cinnamon tea, the star in the west.

Lower the anchor, simplicity as stable roots

I'm in to repitition at the moment... Started reading Mary Poppins again (and I might miss out the zoo chapter this time - have you read that?!!) much to the kids comfort. Its not like they're joyful about it or anything, its that they haven't really noticed, and I figure its not about the story, its about the prose, its about my voice, familiarity.

Picking up the subtle signs of comfort. Biggest telling her friends in Sunday Club that "Mum's reading to us", middle and youngest lying in wait for the next instalment. Its new for me to be reading 'proper' books to them and I'm not going to rush it! When so much is changing in our dynamic still (will we be including school next year? what working pattern will each of us parents find? which combination of children are with which parent at what times during the week... lots of change, trial and error, finding our balances), I'm keeping as many roots down as I can. Some stable parts of our day where we touch in to familiar ground.

I know that there are times in my own month when I can assimilate new ideas, stories, influences and other times when I just need to tread water. Ebbing and flowing. I'm carefully learning when not to push myself! See my garden (I will start attaching photos soon), still leagues behind the allotments that have inspired me, but massive steps on from last year. I can get so impatient, but you know what? phenomenal shifts are occurring all the time, even when it feels like we're moving backwards!

I read a beautiful reminder once: At the same pace that we are galloping towards our dreams, our Source, our evolved higher self, so Source is galloping towards us. Picture angels on horseback rushing to be with us, to realise our wildest aspirations, of union with All That Is.

A fab game I've refound from The Daily Groove and Dreaming Aloud - is counting the blessings, listing the things I am grateful for in the last week. (A great game to share with kids too, prompted by Sally Lever) Wow, yes alot of people have pointed me to this one in the last week !! Obviously didn't listen to one of them on their own!

This week I am grateful for: 

@ reading other blogs and feeling encouraged to keep sharing my own and developing my own style :)

@ a great natter with a friend today, a safe off loading and sharing moment in the thick of kid activity

@ a colin firth moment yesterday evening

@ a note from my biggest today (who often expresses herself with anger and frustration) saying she'd had a nice day

@ time to be with each of my children yesterday for half an hour each, they each understood to stay away when it wasn't their 'slot' allowing us to play with our dynamic

@ our lifecoach standing present through unlimited email time as a witness and support for our relationship

@ friendly happy staff at the petrol station when i realised i'd forgotten my wallet

@ having enough money for what we need

@ having time late into the evening to potter outside in our unfolding garden



Blessed Be :) x

Just Get On With It!

I feel encouraged to speak honestly about my experience, so am continuing to try to 'get it out' (!) so to speak.

I want to move past the place of questionning home ed. Our first year shows me it most certainly is a viable option. Research shows that children thrive well through this method of preparing them for the world.

It is hard work though!! And it means bending and moving with the times, listening to each of the children, as we do to each other in the adult partnership to get needs met.

In the spirit of Getting On with It! and not airy fairying around talking about it anymore, (we are approaching the end of our first year), I have some dreams about how I would like this to be. At present it is still a radical choice, although I'm not sure how much longer this will be the case. I see school needing to come back from its extreme point on the scale and then home ed can naturally do the same. I'd love the kids to have some of the school experience just not in a 5 day a week kind of a way where many other vital experiences are pushed out.

I'd like group activities with other families that are led by one adult (without needing to pay for it!)

I'd like to see friends daily, weekly regularly, in and out of our normal routines, weaving in and out, no big deal, just together sometimes. I'd like to feel flexible enough to accept opportunities when they come, seize the good weather, the unique moments.

I'd like to not be so reliant on the web, have a bank of resources and ideas that are not always about me tapping into this screen. (I guess I need to simply switch it off!)

I'd like to maintain the stamina to introduce new things, remember to invite and ask involvement from others, remember that quieter patches are needed in the flow of life, its not Do Do Do every day for anyone, or if it is, illness or events will conspire to Stop Stop Stop eventually!

I'd like to learn to trust the ebbs and the flows, the quiet and the noisy, the many various ways we all choose or chose to raise our kids. No two journeys are the same. We can listen and explore and still hold our own course. The decision to do this was not one taken lightly.

I am immensely happy that I've had this chance to learn about myself and my family this year. I am impressed that we had the courage to try this road out for size. Having close contact with the children can only be good for their development. I trust that we will continue to build the experience that we each need to grow and thrive.

Less and Slower

I've copied a bit from our private blog here (is there any such thing as a private blog?!) - its the place where I don't withhold their names and am literally charting where they are each at with their learning. I think if I find pseudonyms to use for them I might just attach the blogs together, trusting that after this initial year of change and transformation, there will be a gentler flow of learning for me to share aloud in blogworld.

There are many great blogs literally explaining day to day happenings in home educating families, some of them are on my blogroll. I love being in touch this way and sharing experiences.

A new plan of ours is to have more one-to-one time with each of the kids. It has already strengthened the link as I've had a few hours each with the girls this week. Time to follow their particular interests and loves. Hopefully the more frequently it happens, the less of an 'event' it will be and these times will add in to the gentle tapestry of how we grow and learn together.

I'm reading Mary Poppins to them all at bedtime which is working beautifully, they're all in to it. I'm intending to simply start at the beginning again when we finish as I'm really embracing this idea of Less. Where before I have wanted to pour information into them, stretch to the highest mountains in search of books, experiences, now I want to hold back and let them climb their own mountain. The world around us can hurtle and flash its lights at us as much as it chooses! We're going to grow our way in our own natural timings.

There is no way that I can know precisely what they need to know for their individual growth (though I'm the best placed person to guess if it is needed!). We write, we read and we do numbers - that much is agreed. The rest is flowing moment by moment and it feels good to trust that. If I find myself worrying about their development, all I need do is stop and listen. The evidence is right there in each question they ponder, each expression they experiment with, each idea they follow.

Wow, thanks Mum!

This was the response to the third wave of simplifying in the kids' bedroom - it could have gone either way!
Literally hundreds of books have been moved into storage (gulp slightly damp shed!), fluffy toys also, dvds from downstairs, and two thirds of the dressing up wardrobe.

There is wave 4 to come, movement of games cupboards downstairs, but I'm going to need back up for that one! Its taken days to get this far!

We've been reading 'Simplicity Parenting', a straightforward and quality read :) Already as we start implementing the suggestions, we can see and feel it in the family. I can't believe I didn't see it before! Kids don't need toys - well not millions of them anyway, or books. They have a few at a time in their room and then we can swap for the ones in storage as we go along, probably learning more about what they really want to play with along the way.

And clearing out feels so good, accompanying the massive changes that are still taking place in this home, making way for the new.

A favourite phrase from the book: the best thing we can do for our kids is often to stay out of their way. Another little project for the parents to be working on...!