Until recently, the kids were up and gone by 7 or 8 and downstairs was mine. It was great for getting the essential personal time needed for ourselves in order to be decent home educators. I liked it.
Not only has that time been slipping away, which i guess is quite natural at this age, I've also found that bedtime has become a battleground again.. . I like to think that I'm not doing anything that different, and all in all I'd like to imagine I'm fairly straightforward, loving, gentle and clear at bedtime but I'm being met with rudeness and stubbornness so something's definitely changed.
Now I mean no harm to my young ones as I share this -- it is hard to imagine these experiences being pinged into cyberspace, but it feels like a really healthy way to glean support and other perspectives from those of you who are reading. I am, like many, keen to be a decent parent and I most definitely don't want to scar them with my inadequacies -- although some scarring is inevitable seeing as we are playing out life Earthside! Sometimes I imagine that if I was non-thinking, reflecting and worrisome about all this, they'd all be a darn sight better off!
I accept however, who I am - and that worrisome, deep thinking and reflective is all part of the deal of choosing me as a mother!
So -- the tiptoe dance with my 9 year old:
I've explained (in my most careful Non-Violent Communication style) that when comments are made at bed time - such as 'We don't want you in here, why can't you just go away?' and 'Yes you keep telling us, I don't see why we have to do what you say', it coincides with me feeling hurt and extra-tired and worn out and not like I can relax in my evening which then can mean I don't feel like I've had my evening break.
I am yet again met with these same comments/tone of voice this evening so I ask B to go down while I read stories to E and S. S hears B fannying about downstairs and gets up to join her. S very much choosing same style of talking -- 'I'm not doing what you say'. 'if i don't get my orange, I'm not going to bed' kind of thing.
I'm calm goddammit (why????!! because they are children going through their own things and because i don't particularly want to tell them what to do authoritatively, threateningly .. and so they can have that freedom sure, and I remain clear about what I expect and whats happening now and I protect my space and time as much as I can without being threatening or lauding over them in a 'I'm the adult' kind of way which I can't stand)
And wait.
And now they are rested and sleeping.
But I'm pretty agitated and trying to find my voice in all of this. I'm saying what I can to B and cuddling her a lot, offering my lap as a recharge space when she needs it - which is still accepted frequently. But my word she's got a mouth on her at the moment!! And I don't want to ignore all of it lest I become a complete doormat. It feels good when I manage not to go all crazy and authoritarian on them (which doesn't work anyway) -- but I'm not entirely sure I've nailed an alternative yet.
Hoping for some light on possible strategies here.
Namaste
A x
Well I like what Carrie at Parenting Passageway calls "ho hum" - so when mine try to fight bedtime or are rude I just try to very calm, matter of fact and unaffected - "well its a shame you are using grumpy words but it's bedtime whether you want it to be or not" or picture words for S like "your orange is in bed and you will eat him at breakfast time". But I think Carrie and I are both more likely to say "I am the mama, that's why you need to do what I say because I know how to keep children safe and happy". You do know better than your kids in my perspective and so it's right that you exercise your benevolent control.
ReplyDeleteI don't know - parenting is hard work and feeling ones way - but I sometimes think empathetic parents like we are can get too caught up in the emotions and drama - both mine but espec M can be so emotional and I think B is similar? Hoping to see you this week Lucy x
yep i need to cultivate the unaffected bit! Often I can carry it off but sometimes the tiredness and pressing in of other issues can push me over! I hear you. Thanks for the prompt on picture words, not thought of it like that before. Also benevolent control....
DeleteYes we definitely do emotional :) and i think its a confidence issue so that when B says why do I have to do what you say.. my inner response sometimes is 'err i dunno,,, followed if i'm lucky by a cough and a splutter as i remember i am the mama...etc etc.!' I like to check in with why i'm asking them to do certain things but the answer sometimes doesn't come til days later when i'm totally worn out and i remember Ah Thats why we put that boundary in there!!!
xx
Not sure you want or need to hear this but... I just gave up even trying to influence bedtime choices. I go to bed at a time that will enable *me* to deal with the next day and Cupcake always joins me because she likes to be with me. So, if I think her sleep levels are low I go to bed early so that *I* can deal with the potential problems that might arise from her not getting enough sleep!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I find she self regulates her sleep pretty well normally. Yes, she sometimes stays up too late. Hardly a surprise given that I sometimes do that! Sometimes she gets out of bed unwillingly (ditto). Also, she really doesn't need the 11 hours sleep that the child development charts state. Maybe if she had a full on school life/homework/extra-curricular activities etc. she would - but she has a different kind of life and we have enough downtime for her to rest without necessarily sleeping.
Frankly, she does know what is best for *her*. The problems, when they arise, are always with my attachment to old beliefs/habits about children and sleep and adult-only time and so on. Yes, I do need my own time. I just have to get it different ways now. Sometimes I struggle with the bedtime pattern we now have but Cupcake is tenacious and pushes back when I start to slide back to traditional expectations. So I have to keep adapting!
Not sure if I would handle it differently with more than one child.
Surely there is third way between being authoritative and being a doormat? How else can you recharge or get downtime? There's nearly always more than one solution to a problem and changing ourselves is easier than changing others, even our child/ren! I mean, what kind of relationship do you want with your children? If you already had that perfectly worked out how would you and they be dealing with this? Most importantly, how would *you* be different? I mean, we can't expect them to know how to do differently unless we can do differently, surely?
Not entirely sure I'm making sense but it is late and Cupacke is asleep beside me and I'm typing this on my notebook computer in a dark bedroom. lol. I really need some sleep too. Goodnight!
Hi Lily, Thanks for your reply. Yes I definitely think a shift is taking place - finding ourselves at a place where evenings are no longer the 'down time' they used to be. This evening I tried it out - as we've just had a birthday party fairly late and the rest of the adults went off dancing leaving me and the three kids, so I naturally wasn't expecting to have a break and accepted that it might take an hour or two to settle ourselves down. The younger two like to have their stories without B most evenings now bcs it has become normal (erk~) for a battle scene to ensue. So its become usual to leave B downstairs for that bit and I quietly told myself not to start the 'ten more minutes' game but to try to let it unfold more naturally when I came back downstairs.
DeleteShe's still really rude to me in between times and I'm interested in what that is about, but the general mood was one of mutual respect as we pottered about the kitchen before bed. I managed to set my tone more cheerfully when I asked her to not talk when she went up in case E wasn't quite asleep and also when I shared that I notice my body likes to stay awake late, especially if I start new projects etc and that sometimes I find I enjoy the next day better if I calm myself down and look fwd to doing the project in the morning.... That kind of thing. (sorry to give a blow by blow account! Its the process of re-learning!)
I definitely resonate with your experience when Cupcake pushes back when your traditional expectations kick in.... its a similar battle in my head - remembering my own experience of bedtimes as a kid, alongside a (perceived) need to have some daily alone time. Adaptation. Sometimes its the simplest tweak that makes the difference eh?!
Yep, finding my time and my partner time elsewhere in our days would take the pressure out of this situation so I'll throw that one up to the universe and see what comes back!
Good to hear you're experimenting and getting different results. It pays to stay flexible doesn't it? Mind you, that is sometimes easier said than done :-)
DeleteCertainly, you sound really open to hearing what your children are communicating - but boy, can it stretch us when their communication is rude! We've had periods of that too and usually, later, it becomes apparent that a scary (for a child) shift in consciousness was taking place, or a physical change was underway (back teeth coming through, for instance). Hindsight is *so* helpful, lol.
Strangely, I find some of Cupcake's best independent learning takes place late evening. She is often quite creative at that time - writes, draws, plays make-believe with small toys and so on while I read/ watch some TV/ surf the web etc. At first, when I mentioned this to a couple of people they said "Ah, well she would be busy then, wouldn't she? She is stalling, making sure she doesn't have to go to bed." But no, as time has gone on and my own relaxation with us sharing that time has increased she has remained an evening creator - perhaps because her physical energy is low enough then that she can finally concentrate on such things without the impulse to bounce with enthusiasm (which she does quite a bit during the day!)
As for your blow by blow account - it's very reassuring to 'hear' someone else going through that process of learning by externally 'verbalising' their process! It all makes perfect sense to me :-)