An experiment in control

I would love to know what other fabulous parents think about this issue (and please excuse me as this is very flow-of-consciousness this post! I am using the space to work out what I'm feeling)

When does controlling become too restrictive?
How can we as parents know when we are controlling something for our own benefit and actually its not that big a deal for the kids?

Here's some things we control the children's exposure to/use of:
TV, Computer games, internet,
Gluten, Sugar, Caffeine, to many processed foods, hormone injected/factory farmed meat,
Additives, aspartame, artificial colours etc.
(Media, news, other visual images or movies that are teenage or adult themed - though this is not an issue, it is easier to avoid over-exposure to these)

I also control my own exposure to these things - I find that too much of any of these things is detrimental to my health. However, to try to control the kids' use of these things can be really time-consuming, energy sapping and it can often result in me making up arbitrary rules that have no back up - out of fear that somehow we 're going to get swallowed up by these things. I feel I am working against the 'State' who actively promote and expect these things to be a usual part of childhood and life in general, so to try to curb or limit the use of them is swimming against a very swift and strong tide.

Blackberry is cross today. She is tired and cranky because she stayed up late through her own choice, repeatedly ignoring gentle reminders that its late. She is angry because we had two no-screen days at the weekend, my response to suddenly feeling that it had taken over our lives -- she patterns Papa W and I's use of the computer which is having it on all day and writing on it whenever we remember there's something to do, something to check, something to ask, watch etc. We want to change this habit for ourselves. Its an addiction like any other. Without the constant availability of a screen, my creativity soars and I feel more in control of my own life. I am wanting this freedom for my children too.

It is most noticeable when the children crowd round each other on there and are oblivious to anything else.
It curbs our creativity by giving an unlimitable distraction away from real life (and yet what is 'real' life? If a lot of their friends are doing these things unlimited, then what makes my kids any different?). Again, this is partly because of the constant streaming of high-stimulation adverts, information, allusions to a particular lifestyle, mind-numbing and subliminal programming that is allowed and promoted by the State.

Without it though, it is easy to feel isolated (I love blogging and visiting Facebook at intervals) - without television access I can sometimes feel like I am over-sacrificing! Being a martyr to a hippie cause, which isn't true of me. I feel I can hold my centre and accept all different lifestyles, I just want to be able to choose. And yet the pervasiveness of what's offered by mainstream is harder for a child to filter is it not? Or easier maybe...! That's what I mean, when do my parental concerns turn into overkill? These precious creatures that I care for are naturally more evolved than I, and so surely will have other means of filtering all the nonsense out?

And so Blackberry is fighting back by grabbing back her autonomy in other ways. It is slightly more complicated than that (as it is in all family dynamics! and again I won't attempt to psycho-analyse that one on this blog)...  but enough to say that I can see the link between me trying to control things (for what I as her guardian see as being her best interests) and then her needing to assert her autonomy in other ways. And as a result I'm feeling pretty miserable!

I'll leave it there. I'm amazed if you've read to the end, thanks, and I'd love to hear your comments below. I don't know why this has come up for my attention today, but trying to go with it and express it as it works through.
Namaste.

Pathways

Moved to talk about all the different decisions we make in parenting. I'm getting softer definitely on what I consider OK for families -- have been very hard-line 'home edder' for a year or so, probably to support myself through the big transition. But was shown very recently what hard-line can do for our friendships, happiness and general well-being.

We all make decisions based on where we are in our own development, influences, life-path. I think we can tell whether these decisions are healthy or not by how well we feel, how our children are, our inner compass so to speak. But ultimately there are so many factors involved in parenting that where we might strike gold in some areas, we are sure to let some things through the net elsewhere. Its part of the child's natural development to learn from our mistakes as well as what we see to be our successes.

I have this visual image that I'm going to try and put into words, here goes.

A series of lines, webbing, overlapping

 - Television Watching: at one end we have the folk who say (and carry through with) No telly ever, at the other end the folk who have it on all the time, the rest of us walk the line in between.
- Vaccinations: some don't, some do, for all different reasons and none, they choose either end or some place in between.
- Development and education: Predominantly at home, predominantly at school
- Diet: gluten free, dairy free etc at one end, eat anything at the other
- Learning/teaching to read and write
- Availability of Computer
- Relationships with peers
- Relationships with wider family and other significant adults
- Antibiotics
- Communication, answering back not allowed, healthy arguments encouraged
- Birthing, natural process at one end, hospital procedure at other

And so in this web (with many many more lines that I have named) are families, walking their way through this 3,4,5 dimensional map, feeling their way forwards, sometimes confidently, sometimes blindly, sometimes staying still for a while and then bouncing off elsewhere.

Its all OK, that's what I wanted to say. Its all OK. Except when its not, but then noticing when its not is the first and biggest step to realigning and evaluating where you're at. And even then, it is all OK because we're human, we're on our paths each of us and we're figuring out how to do this parenting thing in a very busy and chaotic world. Take a breath and know you are the best person to be with your child right now.

Namaste.

Best Day of the Year

So dubbed by Blackberry as we rode home from the pet shop this evening :) Again reminding me that the magic is indeed in the normality, regularity, the simple.

I get such joy hearing them all with Papa Weststar, they're doing a jigsaw together at the moment. He has such wisdom in the simplicity of what he offers. I heard him earlier say - so what will it be? Clay or painting - at a moment when my clock was well and truly switched off and I'm into total freefall before bed, he has the forward movement of an activity to offer (neither of which they chose to do! but hey!).

It is a total balance between the two of us parenting which I never imagined could happen. When I feel ready to drop he's often there and likewise when he needs space I'm energised to be On the Case Mum. In fact perhaps it is the only way both of us get to flow with our skills by taking it in turns, not so much scheduled-in 'shifts' as naturally letting each other take over when a break is needed. (disclaimer: It is hard work and has taken years to allow the flow of these moments and we frequently mess up!!)

And through all of this, I guess we are finding our rhythm. This follows on from the deschooling period as we are truly planting footsteps a little more surely now. For years I've wanted a better way of marking Advent than a chocolate calendar that they sneak under their pillows and ransack at intervals. My creativity simply couldn't operate when the practical toings and froings of school were at play. And last year, early in the de-schooling period, I was still reeling and landing, allowing the chaos to move noisily around us as we settled.

This year is a bit more spacious. I've a sore throat and headache this evening but I'm listening. I hear my actual need to share on this blog, my inner being calling out for down time, some unravelling. It is only by stopping that I can honour myself with the time I need to get some thoughts, some creative time, some reflecting. I've designed my Advent idea and I can't wait to see how we'll experience this time together over that month.

When I do this stopping and honouring myself, I can feel the peaceful wave move through the house. It is good to listen to what you need kids, its cool to just stop when you need to. Nothing else matters in these moments. I love that mantra: Nowhere to go, Nothing to do. Allow the ebbs when they come and you'll be fully energised for the Flow as it returns!!!

The beauty of the tree that conserves its energy for winter, gracefully loosening and letting go of the patterns, things, concerns and past that it no longer needs.

Stay in your homes!

I'm consistently amazed at just how little I can manage outside of the basics at the moment! 19 weeks pregnant, selling the house, 3 lively kids at home soaking up all the alleys of experience that we explore together. OK so the basics are quite involved to be fair!

Every time I think I've made some big steps to come back to the home, to minimise, simplify, centre... I find just a few weeks later that I'm still running around like a crazy thing and finding all the same symptoms of overwrought come in to play. Pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, dietary confusion, dark days. And its time to minimise some more. Not sure why I'm obsessed with being busy because the kids aren't really that fussed! Some of our best days are the ones where we're at home, taking it steady with good food, each following our own little rhythm inside the rhythm of the day.


Giving up home ed just doesn't feel like an option anymore... although of course it is! I mean I can't imagine losing the freedom and structure to our day - hard work though it is, I am more alive and more authentic than I was before. The quality of life for all of us simply being and growing together was not manageable fitting in to the traditional working timetable.

There we go, a short little moment, didn't want to lost the thread of the blog, though life is turning upside, downside round and round, there's something about checking in -- I totally see how the word blog came about!