Best Day of the Year

So dubbed by Blackberry as we rode home from the pet shop this evening :) Again reminding me that the magic is indeed in the normality, regularity, the simple.

I get such joy hearing them all with Papa Weststar, they're doing a jigsaw together at the moment. He has such wisdom in the simplicity of what he offers. I heard him earlier say - so what will it be? Clay or painting - at a moment when my clock was well and truly switched off and I'm into total freefall before bed, he has the forward movement of an activity to offer (neither of which they chose to do! but hey!).

It is a total balance between the two of us parenting which I never imagined could happen. When I feel ready to drop he's often there and likewise when he needs space I'm energised to be On the Case Mum. In fact perhaps it is the only way both of us get to flow with our skills by taking it in turns, not so much scheduled-in 'shifts' as naturally letting each other take over when a break is needed. (disclaimer: It is hard work and has taken years to allow the flow of these moments and we frequently mess up!!)

And through all of this, I guess we are finding our rhythm. This follows on from the deschooling period as we are truly planting footsteps a little more surely now. For years I've wanted a better way of marking Advent than a chocolate calendar that they sneak under their pillows and ransack at intervals. My creativity simply couldn't operate when the practical toings and froings of school were at play. And last year, early in the de-schooling period, I was still reeling and landing, allowing the chaos to move noisily around us as we settled.

This year is a bit more spacious. I've a sore throat and headache this evening but I'm listening. I hear my actual need to share on this blog, my inner being calling out for down time, some unravelling. It is only by stopping that I can honour myself with the time I need to get some thoughts, some creative time, some reflecting. I've designed my Advent idea and I can't wait to see how we'll experience this time together over that month.

When I do this stopping and honouring myself, I can feel the peaceful wave move through the house. It is good to listen to what you need kids, its cool to just stop when you need to. Nothing else matters in these moments. I love that mantra: Nowhere to go, Nothing to do. Allow the ebbs when they come and you'll be fully energised for the Flow as it returns!!!

The beauty of the tree that conserves its energy for winter, gracefully loosening and letting go of the patterns, things, concerns and past that it no longer needs.

Just how autonomous can you get?!?

Its a pleasure to have Blogger back, our computer has been poorly for a week or two. There's been many a moment when I've wanted to get blogging again!

The beginning of our second year home educating, in a much more relaxed state than this time last year (and still a little room for more comfort next year as we continue to settle into this lifestyle).

In the first week as the rest of the neighbourhood children got into their schooling timetable, I came home from the shop at 11am to find all mine hanging on the front gate, hollering at me down the road. They'd only been in the front garden for a few moments (I was told after my overreaction!) but my instinct was to tell them all off and hurry them inside. I seemed acutely sensitive to drawing attention to ourselves. If we are seen to be not at school, at least lets seem to be working, focused, taking life seriously.... (!)

Perhaps some of this was the initial shock of all the children disappearing again. How it becomes normal to have such a limited number of age-groups around during the daytimes. The inviting of young people into institutions so that any still with their families seem out-of-place is frightening.

Anyway, I'm over it now!

And the point of this post was about planning. And how we do little in this house, and yet how clear it is where the progressions are, where to go next. The questions from the children pile in minute after minute. I remember reading in Ross Mountney's book her tip was to not plan further than a few days ahead and this advice sits well with us. Whilst I have the urges to map it out, I am learning more and more to trust where they go with things, they have their own map. So far this suits us just fine, in fact I feel very lucky that I can trust their process as it removes us parents from the driver's seat and puts us all co-piloting.

It has taken the de-schooling period for this love and thirst to be replenished, particularly for Blackberry the eldest. She now totally gets that its not up to us to feed her information, she has many projects and pursuits on the go. She joins in with us sometimes, she goes off sometimes. She doesn't wish to be taught, and we are navigating our ways to communicate more successfully each month that passes.

Elderflower is our teacher's pet (!!) in that she allows Papa Weststar in particular to lead and teach in its more traditional sense. Its a gift I think that she lets us follow a little thought pattern path with her for an hour or two, happily sinking her teeth into the suggested tasks. She has violin lessons and loves it. She's up for most things.

I never thought i'd be an autonomous educator. I became so schooled myself in traditional chalk and talk methods that they felt like the safest route. I knew no different. And yet in autonomy I find great comfort and happiness. Like the walls that hemmed me in imagining that life was just one long straight line from A to B have crumbled and fallen and I can dance wherever I choose. Going with the flow of the day, being present with their questions whether we are in the house, garden, city, county. Except for one hour after lunch and from 7pm onwards, I'm their's, we're together and we're doing the cha-cha-cha! - One step forwards one step backwards.......!

Gracefully Skint, Staying Confident

I can get all in a twiddle thinking which blog is which - is this just for home school stuff - do I need to be really clear about what I put on here?

And then I think of other Very Good blogs that I follow and think No! This is a blog about day-to-day life and reflections. Another place I write is Conjuring Lyrical and the distinction (kind of) is that I let myself loosen into creative flow more there, its less clear what I'm writing about.

So here, day to day, we are, financially speaking, on the ground. Floored, scraping the barrel, scratching around.
And yet, whilst that feels true some of the time, I also feel part of an abundant universe where I am very blessed. So I do get perspective on it when I can. I don't whine all the time!

Now I'm sure this is not down to home educating, though choosing to make the transition has been a full time job for both adults maintaining courage whilst buffeting each storm as we deschool. This wouldn't necessarily be the same for every family but it was for us. The transformations our lives have been through this last year have heartened and carried us a long way beyond the familiar frustrations of low-income life. Frugal Living and Voluntary Simplicity are two phrases I have learned describing ways that many people embrace this choice.

Maybe the painful moments are when I feel I'm not exercising a choice to be here, its all very well making the best of a situation and enjoying the benefits of both adults being largely at home but that can wear thin when its a struggle to buy the food for the week, petrol for the car etc. Always watching the figures, cancelling plans as the petrol prices continue to rise, imagining ways that I might ask for some help from relatives etc. All a bit dull!

My belief is that all is perfect: we draw to ourselves the situations and events that most help us evolve and grow towards the sun. Lots of learning, lots of growing. On the proactive, creative side, lets draw some strength from the anger and frustration when I feel I'm at the mercy of events or someone else's karma (is that even possible?!) - Own the Truth that we are here all together for whatever we need to learn and work through. Own the Reality that we have the money for what we truly want, its so easy to hide behind a 'we can't afford it' line, when really if we wanted it enough we'd make it happen.

I love being more home based. Its scary sometimes but it feels right. There is so much to do, feel and explore in the bosom of our hobbit hole. We don't have expensive tastes anymore which will no doubt be great when the money starts to flow a little more kindly, I grasp the value of items and services fairly acutely (please say I've learned that one now!) Our greatest expenditure bar the obvious is the decentest food we can find, local, organic, cooking from scratch, embracing our health as much as possible.

So I welcome this moment (have you noticed I write in affirmations when actually I want to grumble and whine? The next post might be the bitter twisted words that are getting pushed to the side now! or I'll save them for the sister site!) I welcome this very visceral experience of what Money has come to be, what we've made it as a global race. I trust that all is well and that we have everything we need.

How is this 'recession' or whatever we choose to call it affecting you and your family? What positive spins do you take on it when you can?

Love from Weststar, Gracefully skint, staying confident :)

S l o w down!

It is nearly a year since we were last in school!
And things have settled, we have all agreed to carry on for another year which feels great. I feel the first full breaths of really accepting home ed as part of our lifestyle.

Thoughts from this week are about there being No Rush.
And, not unsurprisingly it links to a lot I have to say about safe birthing (here's where to find my breechbaby blog). Our lives unfold, our children grow and learn, opportunities come and go, anxiety can come and go too. If we push, we don't go any faster. What's that phrase: Less Haste More Speed...

Nothing needs to be decided in a hurry. Everything has its moment. The world may like us to think that every second is a crucial pivotal moment. Whenever I fall into that trap, I find panic! I prefer the heartfelt truth that there is always time to breathe, to come back to base and to listen to whats next.

Free Range Guinea Pigs

I've got to start typing to find my flow again - its been a week or two!

An aborted visit to go look at the flexischool I hope to be postponed rather than cancelled, at least so that we can put the idea to rest one way or the other. Its the inbetween decisions that I least like, I need a fair bit of structure myself although I am letting go of the more restrictive elements of this.

There is a cat in the neighbourhood who has figured that we have guineas and a rabbit grazing in the evenings. I am one eye on the garden! They look so tasty, if I was a cat, I'd have 'em.

A longer term homeschooler balmed me with 'it takes time' when I bathe in the 'togetherness' of her boys. They always seem to be into projects, exploring the world, keen to engage and be responsible for their learning, their life together. (Of course this is through the eyes of being a visitor, but there is much truth in it!) They are a few years out of school.

We are not far off, but we jolt from easy-going flowing learning to fights still, unresponsive, refusal, desperation. There is so much I value about the chance to work through this together. Doing less, being at home more is a key I feel. The process of simplifying warps into many areas of our life, returning to the breath, compassion for ourselves and others (well, this is my journey!) Allowing silence from which questions arise rather than pouring question after question on a hot fire.

I want to say to Elderflower (new self-chosen name for Middle) - It takes time - as there's a bit of me passionate about home ed and wanting to hold on to what we are 'just' grasping. Perhaps 2 weekly days in a classroom won't disturb that. Trust trust trust. What will be will be.

I am hoping to be in half time employment myself before long for my own getting out in the world reasons, it may be the same for Elderflower. I could harp on about this sitting on the fence for paragraphs! And I won't. Lets stick to what will be will be.

The cat is circling, the pigs are unconcerned. They play, they munch, they skip around. And when dark comes they happily wander back to their resting place fairly oblivious to the dangers of the world around them. Who am I to spoil it?!

Hot tin roof head

Its raining hard on my washing at the moment. Its 4am. Solly woke an hour ago wanting the landing light on and my brain has decided its time to get up! Hopefully temporarily, enough time to share and drink herbal tea, then snooze again!

I'm pretty grumpy at the moment and whilst I might have saved that information from my blog a month or so ago, I'm going to share it all with the group today!

The decision about whether or not middle has some school days in her week: we have a school about 15 miles away in a village who's head encourages flexi-schoolers (i think there are 11 out of a total 37 there being partly home edded). Could be a happy half way point to try out.

It brings up loads of stuff though for husband and I. For me there's a comfort in thinking we might do it - and its the weirdest reason. Not because I necessarily think it'll be best for Middle (although in the short term its good to give these things a go) but because they'll be a fixed point or two in our week where someone else is doing the organising. I sometimes find the sheer weight of hearing and going some way to answering everyone's needs (let alone my own) just phenomenal. Its all practise.

Muddled in with that is trying to Guess what others are needing! I think I do this a little too much. I worry they're missing something and swoop sleuthlike on the perceived problem with strategies for sorting out. Some might say this is a clear sign that my own needs aren't being met: If I spent as much time engaging with what I need and reaching out to meet those needs, I would be modelling the behaviour I'm looking for which is clarity in expression, learning to ask for what we want and finding the answers ourselves.

Stuff has taken over our house again, the waves of simplifying are tough. We are like magnets it seems and attract shed loads of objects from the outside world to clutter our living space. The book says be strict to start with. I'm not very good at being strict.

Also, there seems to be this massive time delay between where I see ourselves and where we actually are. Create Your Own Home Ed style. Sure, the potential is exciting, the reality when it works is real, life affirming delight. But as for the times in between its hard work when we never really know how OK it is except for the fact that we'd rather be doing it than not doing it.

And maybe thats enough. How do you do it longer-term home edder goddesses? How do you know this is the right thing? And if you don't (know) how do you keep the task a manageable one?

Love and cinnamon tea, the star in the west.

firemonkey

So the dynamic in this house has reached a shift point again. We have a middle who's possibly looking at returning to school in September and an eldest who's displaying really tired, manic growing pains. I only just looked at us today and realised how much of a storm we're appearing to be. One calling out (unconsciously) for major simplifying, back-to-earth stability while the other is reaching out for more stimulation, more people..

And how can we provide that as home educating parents? I'd love to know your thoughts.

My intuition says that the key is in communicating as a family, finding a space to talk a little about our differing needs, make some plans where the one who's craving to get out can get out and the one who has burnt-out can have some quiet time. And in the mix is the three and a half year old!! One minute the cuddliest, most thoughtful, cooperative bear.. the next, screaming that he wants a sweeeeeett for half an hour.

Surely this is where the richness is, I can feel it as I write that this is the thick of life, human relationships, learning to live together. But maybe its too heavy for Middle? Maybe she'll get a break by  going back into a classroom? Or will she just pick up loads of other family madness and not have the support to process it all?

One thing as a mum I would like to let go of the assumption I have carried with me that I need to answer all their needs. Just me. Its time for that one to head for the door!!

And yet I want to do enough to support them, help them find what they need (at the same time as making sure my own needs are met and my relationship is functioning well!) No small task!

Wow, mums are ace. Trusting all shall be well.

Base camp

Was sent a link to a Peaceful Parenting blog today that spoke of success in home ed being about time in the home. Staying at base camp for a lot of the week rather than running from group to group. I have found this reminder heartening.

Whilst the groups are fun, meeting up with others is essential for us, there is one fortnightly session that costs considerably more and we may not be able to meet the costs in the future. It has been a great stepping stone to get us from the busy school calendar to a more autonomous life style by providing us with a structured learning environment we were all familiar with, but if we need to stop going next year, I trust the alternative will be enriching also.

When I notice my head running ahead of myself, planning, erking a little about "What have we quantifiably done today ?!", I let the muscles relax, light a fire and we all sit together for a bit. This is the heart of my home ed decision. Being together. Learning together, grappling sometimes sure, all out fighting sometimes sure, but doing it together at the hearthside of our home environment.

Equally I may just go find them with my book/knitting or similar, and be in the same room, present. What a gift to each other to be fully present.

Love spelled T.I.M.E.

I touched on a book some years ago called 'What Mothers Do' by Naomi Stadlen
It lays out on the page. descriptions of mothering to replace some absurd but deeply rooted belief that it looks like nothing.

I have recently needed to come back to this reevaluation of my role as I've been plagued with unconscious thoughts that somehow home educating is a doss, a drop out of society thing, something to do to allay our frustrations at being unemployed for the third year in a row, suffocating our children's right to have fun in school, irresponsible, selfish; the list could go on if I chose to let it.

Through conversation with our life coach who herself home educated, Sally Lever (here's an excellent article she has written about this), I have been working to listen to those demons and put them to rest. Here, Sally talks about valuing what we do, accepting support and payment from wherever it comes as exchange for the work we do.

And so I rustily tried this technique of honouring what I do and I really recommend it because like any exchange where one is giving time and presence in any space in our communities, by choosing to home educate, we are contributing priceless amounts into the present and the future.

I still struggle I think with allowing myself the choice to do this and realising, really realising, that there is no one to answer to, no one to request permission from to personally oversee my children's education and life preparation. Its a taste of freedom long forgotten through lifetimes and I embrace it lovingly.

Total Revolution

Reflecting today with other home ed parents at just how wildly different this lifestyle choice is.

Its not so surprising that our choice to unschool has led us down a path where complete transformation awaits us! Take out the 8am crush and 3pm melt down (I know it wasn't that bad every day! I'm paraphrasing) and what do you get? A space for new boundary setting within the relationships, a new trust where choice is rekindled, a new rhythm to the day, week, month, year. A setup that can morph, adapt and weave in new needs as required. An environment where listening to the changing needs of growing and developing bairns is unavoidable!

In this house it has become a regular request of one or another to say "Parle!" (parlay!) meaning 'I've Got Something To Say!' and we're learning to get the talking stick out and listen to each other.

Where we as parents are choosing to balance mental intelligence with emotional intelligence, self awareness and social awareness within our every day experience and whilst it can seem the strangest thing, for me the biggest revolution has been that we are simply doing this together. They are still so small and I feel a hundred times better in my own wellbeing to feel them under my wing. Not saying that wing's perfect but its mine, and I'm Mum.

Food Glorious Food!

There are a few things that come up under this heading for us making the transition from school to home ed.

We find our kids are affected by the kinds of food they eat and the environment around them while they are eating. I always found packed lunches hard as we have never really done the sandwiches thing, not more than once a week really. Often I would pick the children up and find that very little had been eaten of their lunch. Our preference was hot dinners but these were still heavy on the meat/wheat/dairy/sugar intake in comparison to our diet at home.

We qualified for free school dinners for the last year or so before we left, and this added up to £80 per month for both children! Great service! Financially it may have impacted us, now being responsible for those meals at home, but it adds to the long list of empowering factors about home ed, because now the children are involved in planning and preparing meals, there is a high portion of organic and local ingredients. They and us can play a deciding role in whether they eat sugary puddings or not which means we can be ready for the sugar low if it comes.

trial and error

Last Friday was hard, middle lovely said she wants to go back to school and the emotional pull between us meant that I want to give her everything and I'm calling out to say yes yes of course love, you can go back. I am learning about being so easily swayed and of course being with them for all of the time again means that its harder to separate out who's needs are who's. I'm very sensitive (as are the kids of course) and I embrace this sensitivity, I think it is a strength in so many ways and it is finding strategies to not get pulled into every emotional twinge going! (This also true of other people's conceptions of home ed and friends' various reactions to our decision!)

So my middle is helping me by being so open and clear about her feelings. I am happy that I have my partner there kind of standing our ground and reminding me that if we say yep sure you can go back on Monday, it could just as well be a few weeks down the line where she says I want to come home again..

So its about responding to whats not working and building on what is working. On Friday I could totally see what she's missing the hustle and bustle of the other children around her, learning alongside, structured activities and the variety of what her excellent adults did with her in reception last year... In a way I wonder whether we should have just taken biggest out as she was heading for year 3 and had had enough of various elements of school so was up for a change. Where as middle pretty much really liked school, what she had experienced of it so far (ie. pupil led, learn through play, unstructured approach which would undoubtedly change in year 1). I can't pretend to offer her anything better than this. But what we are doing is sticking together as a family. The pluses of this are immediate to spot in terms of confidence, joy of life, relaxation, but particularly with middle, are a kind of big question mark for her as if to say what now?

So our response is to say we will carry on this trial til Christmas and to now make a priority of networking and finding other families. There is a school about 10 miles away who embrace flexi-schooling and I am keeping this as an option too - fairly certain that our old school wouldn't accept it and not sure that even if they were willing to discuss it whether i would be comfortable as being a path blazer family for that one in our local climate. the four families that we have kept in touch with are warm about it but there is a strong culture against it. Not sure whether to pursue this line of thought.

So on reading some of a helpful blog by www.muddlepuddle.co.uk/ I am gathering up ideas of things that the kids could have ongoing - the lady there called it 'normals'. A book, particularly for middle as she is the one craving some organisation. I'll put some writing practise in there, and not sure what else to be honest. She's so little! I can talk to friends who trained in early years, there's that bit of me that wants to ask the experts, like i'm not qualified..! Its good to write this down because I can spot how unhelpful it is. I am a really capable human being and I can find out what will help my daughter at this point in her education. Through talking to her, following my natural mothering instinct. This was not a decision we have taken lightly. We feel it is the right thing. Stick with it mrs.

Momentarily overwhelmed

Even admitting it here is tantamount to admitting a fall. And so I think this might be equivalent to transition in childbirth. Totally freaking out, reaching out to others to catch me to help me, looking for reassurance around me, outside of me - searching for points of reference of others who have gone before and succeeded. And transition happens in every labour, not just the first, so perhaps I can look to other situations where I have lost my points of reference and gained some centrepoint to hold me while the change takes place. Playing and love gets me through, a long kiss from my husband brought my second daughter into the world. Leaning on my friends did it for the first. And head in the lap of my doula for love and reassurance did the third. When the world as she knows it is or appears to be collapsing around, the woman is alone. Can only be supported gently and quietly from the outside, it is her journey to go alone, only she can birth the baby.

And now only I can protect and hold myself as the school structure melts away from us along with the friendships (as they were), the accepted rhythm of school runs, the passing over of responsibility, I'm desperately holding on to the memory that there were positive things about school, partly so as not to alienate myself from my peers and partly because I know that we may need it some day again and so not wanting to be two-faced, hypocritical. But hey, I'm the only one judging myself so harshly. Perhaps for now I do need to reject and drop the school system for all that it didn't provide, for the depression and anxiety I link to the drudgery of allotted time slots, forced relationships with others, passing power away to 'professionals' (all the more odd as I am a school teacher by trade myself!)

And so here it is Weststar. The responsibility is back, fully landed on my doorstep.

I thought we might do vision boards today but then I think we might do lots of things and thats before the crew wake up and everything takes on a new direction...

Centre centre centre.

three weeks in

Our eldest (approaching 8 - would be year 3) has regressed back to the age she was when first in school. She carries a doll everywhere, pushes it in the pram, reads to it, washes it etc. Quite moving. At the same time she misses some friends from school but seems to totally embrace this new decision of ours to home school. Punch and Judy's theatre is painted and awaiting curtains. The puppets have heads and sticks and are awaiting clothes. She just spent half an hour strumming her guitar (self taught) and singing  her heart out to an old second hand Apuskidu book and is now avidly lapping up a trivia book before sleep. Seems she likes learning in the evening.

Our middle (approaching 6 - would be year 1) has some mornings joining in the lessons with her older sister, reflecting on our beach trip yesterday and exploring the crab skeleton we brought back. Using usbourne reading books from the library. Some khan academy basic addition and subtraction so far. And also enjoys joining in the community preschool music group with her younger brother or plenty of individual play in her room or with her rabbit in the shed.

Our youngest (3) is loving having the girls at home and the more relaxed flow of our days. He is more confident. Life makes more sense to him and to us the more we get used to this new rhythm.

I've been noticing the lack of 'free time' this week for the first time, where I used to grab cleaning moments, or  some head space when everyone was at school or asleep. But this is all about tweaking the details. I haven't regretted the decision for a minute and embrace the challenge of getting each of our individual and collective needs met. We are far more able to work towards this aim when they are at home with us for however long or short this arrangement works.

Becoming a bit more normal

Wow what a gift to be able to hang out with my kids all day, to not have the pressures of where to be at what time with what items. We have been out of paid work for 2 years, I tried a year of self-employment and J volunteers every week plus of course applying for tens of jobs each fortnight and keeping our feelers open all the times for opportunities.

This choice to take the kids back to the home, for however long or short as unfolds, has been one of the most empowering things I have ever done. I had no idea quite what a big impact school was having on us. I am glad to have passed through the fear barrier that swamped me last week and now have arrived at a more relaxed place.

We are of course checking in with the kids (if not verbally then just taking a moment to consider how they are, whether this is still OK, whether they are missing school too much etc.) and for us it has taken back some confidence, some power.

We are both teachers and to be using our craft again is great. I will be using it differently as I am seeing learning in such a different way to the prescriptive format I learned (or understood) as a young teacher, but hey, I'm doing what I'm good at, enjoying time with these precious kids, listening mostly, playing and relaxing. Life makes sense again. :)

De-schooling

Already the fear of Monday is here - what will we do? how will we make it 'worthwhile'? I am left brain obsessed!!

The kids are 7,5 and 3. Number 7 can read fluently and has been enjoying Khan academy (free online lessons) for number play alongside an English language textbook J has. She is totally up for this journey of trying something new, it comes naturally to her to play, discover, rest, explore as she feels. Number 5 loved reception, wavered with 5 days a week and is open to trying this at home. At this stage she is reaching out for the things she misses from school - being 'special person' and getting to take the class mascot home for the night, dressing up (better after a play marathon yesterday!) I look forward to increasing our social network as we get used to this new way so that there are more opportunities for this fluid learning experience.

And what to do about my stuck ways? Scanning through my brain planning activities and their possible learning outcomes. Wanting to blow apart my habit of expectation, of limiting what is possible by my own narrow grasp of reality. I guess that if I know it is a thin slice of 'What Is' that is the biggest step! One's ego can go a long way to obsessing about this reality that is reported to us in schools, media etc. But mine is pretty convinced eh?! Despite my esoteric learning in later years, somehow when it comes to educating my kids I am still stuck on 1+1=2, telling the time etc. All great skills but again only the tip of the iceberg in terms of what human consciousness is capable of.

So this decision made by all the souls in the house, I trust, is about undoing those limitations. Or giving an alternative perspective on learning, growing so that the limited 'in the box' learning is understood for what it is. This is as much my journey as the kids. I'm the one adjusting here! They are fine and taking it in their stride, lapping up the opportunity to be flexible about mealtimes, playtimes, learning times (all-at-the-same-times).

Day 3 - where else to write except on a home made blog...

So I've decided to use a blog to express some of what is going on - we are in a transition place where I would love to fall back into the arms of the school, to friends there, to the regularity of walking to and from the building and associated chats with other mums, popping to local shops etc. But I stopped at day 3 last time I tried home ed (3 years ago when our youngest was newborn and I was the only adult at home) so I need to push on through the fear barrier to see what is on the other side.

We miss our friends and went to see one family after school time today which was fun and renewed my energy a little. I pick up so easily on my middle's feelings, she (5) is trusting of us that this is something worth trying. She liked school but struggled with 5 days. She liked the idea of doing half and half but that didn't feel possible at this school.

Heavens its only day 3!! I am glad to be trying this. I think it might be a bit like stopping all my antidepressants at once (I am guessing as I haven't actually ever taken them) - like all my senses are richer as we take back the responsibility of our children's education. I feel bolder and more sure of my footing in one sense and then totally afraid of what we've let go of in another. It is good to remind myself of our reasoning over the last 3 years. And how really through no (conscious) planning of our own we have arrived at a point where it is possible - 2 out-of-work teachers, one child totally jumping at the opportunity to try schooling in a different way, 2 who appear for the most part quite happy to give it a go.

I trust that however this little journey lasts, we are all going to grow as people and learn life skills in adapting and responding to each other. Finding out what we need to find out, exploring what we need to explore etc.etc.

My husband is far more solid than me at this point. He is happy with the no barriers lifestyle, of going with the flow and trusting this feeling of together ness. I think that I have often been busy in my life and it is strange to not have a definite plan. Structure is good and we are talking a lot about how to accomodate our different needs in the family setting.

One thing we may try this next week is to be work focused between 9 and 2 to then give us a clear place of when to stop and rest. I can already see that this may not be the best plan as eldest and J were still investigating the English language just before bedtime last night. Learning to go with the flow. Imagining I am on a swing, trusting the ropes, the structure around me to hold as we let go and feel the thrill of the unknown.
Feeding them regularly, coming up with ideas that they might like to do, ticking away at some sewing projects...

There's a bit of me really questions if I can do a good enough job in comparison to the school. I don't at this stage feel I have the stamina to plan lessons, come up with resources etc. like I used to when I was working (before parenthood). But I also read when researching this planned move, that its OK to give yourselves 6 months to ease into it. 6 months and I'm here fretting on day 3!!

Top tip from friend today was a reminder to make sure the kids see their friends and so thats being sorted. Keeping those bonds alive will definitely make this feel easier I think.

I've never published my blog comments before. Can't imagine anyone will read (although I have searched and enjoyed reading others' real life thoughts before so its always possible!)

Being the change I want to see in the world. As best I can with all my flaws, tripups and irregularities!