Flames of Fear!

Still massive 'bridge' issues with Blackberry, so many areas where she is taking the lead and branching out and feeling older but clashes with me when I ask her to help out or attempt to direct her in any way.

Elderflower's front tooth has come out, feels like another blessed moment in her development, where she noticeably feels older. She wants more of the 'concessions (?)' of her older sister, feels that there is unfairness in the air.

Sunburst fiercely frustrated with others. As my only boy this is all new to me and I am learning on the run! He's ready for some different encounters, new friends perhaps, new situations to grow into.

So wow lots of stuff here!! 

Alongside big changes in our housing situation, at the moment seeming that we may be moving before the end of the year.

So in times of change what shall we do? 

Panic?!

Tempting!! 

I'm certainly catching myself in the Panic camp at moments! But choosing not to go there, certainly not on this public blog (I'll keep that for the privacy of the early hours of the morning where thankfully I've taken to retreating into the silence of colouring creativity, finding my way back to Trust).

Here I'm going to go for Gentle Acceptance. 

Things feel more frightening when we block them, either believing that they are wrong or that somehow we are wrong for experiencing them. It takes a lot of energy to block and so I find that by listing situations and encounters as they are, neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, it releases them from my perceived idea of how things 'should' be.

As a consequence I usually feel massively calmer. This process removes my clinginess to the perceived danger, my patterns of trying to conquer situations, my anxiety that I 'should' be behaving in a certain way.

May I hold a clear safe intention wherever possible and be ever ready to soothe Love on the flames of our angry fears.

...versus Mama Tiger

Well after a day of non-interference (see the last post) I nearly exploded (I was trying it a little too conscientiously I think!) And I was back to growling when required and sticking my oar in sometimes unskillfully. I am in fact human.

Lots of positive stuff is going on - I'll go into those another time. Current challenges: Blackberry's anger bursts of frustration dominating the room of otherwise chilled-out family-members, a disregard for something we'd (I thought) agreed as a family to remove ourselves from the room for explosions and re-enter when we're calm... Oops I could growl quite a bit about my eldest right now actually and I want to protect the privacy of our relationship by holding my tongue a bit.

Its hard eh, parenting, seeing the mirror, knowing when to let go and when to push, when to react, when to ignore -- and if I try to be too skilled and ordered in my responses I eventually reach a place where I can't hold on to my carefulness anymore. It all presents itself to me in an avalanche of worries, frustrations, criticisms of her and me simultaneously, reaching up to the heavens for some guidance on how the heck we move through it, fear that somehow the day has been ruined by this blot on family life, fear that she will never learn anything if she has such a short attention span and threshold for disappointment... it all comes crashing down on top of me and I momentarily break.

One thing that I feel has changed for me in the last year or so is that I'm OK with letting that Mama Tiger out -- I try to let it out in one blast if I get pushed to that place (and generally their are lots of warnings when Mummy is approaching that place!), walk off, out of the space to recentre and make myself safe again and then drop it. I don't hold grudges (as far as I can). We call it putting on our Teflon Suit - non-stick, let it go, drop it.

Lots of forgiveness, lots of compassion - we're all just trying to work it out, moment by moment. She's incredible I know, quite an exquisite soul learning the limits to her behaviour and gifts, like all souls here on earth right now. May I be authentic in my role within her exploration, its OK to be a tiger sometimes.

Out of the Way Mama!!

Today I've been practising the art of staying out of Learning's way. Not physically, as we're all in pretty close proximity around here :) but keeping my thoughts to myself a lot, watching my habit of suggesting, asking and generally butting in to the children's flow. Keeping my focus on my own thing, preparing food, making a card for a friend, other jobs about me, following my own flow which all contributes to letting them follow their own. Also playing, joining in, as appropriate when the (many) opportunities came.

In the Shift film I mentioned (Wayne Dyer) there's a simple sequence where he speaks to a mother of two about how children have their own internal compass - "Let them use it". Rather than 'Can you get your shoes on?', 'Can you brush your hair?', 'Pick up your things now please', 'Can I help you stick that poster up?' (so its more pleasing to my eye and not on the wonk!), 'I think you'll find it easier like this' etc.etc.

Part of this process is about letting go of my ego (or whatever you want to call it)'s hold on what should be happening - a lot of my comments and queries are from a place of anxiety or need for control. It was really relaxing to let go of them, I thoroughly enjoyed the day, handing over this need to grip hold of how the day is shifting.

(I also had a gluten and sugar free day accidentally which may contribute to me feeling calmer)

Here's a list of what happened (and this was all before we got out of our pyjamas!) Again, this is simply what presented itself without me managing anything or leading particularly - except perhaps the spelling and numbers bit with Elderflower which naturally unfolded that way, simply doing as much as she wanted without pushing it. The rest of it was their own flow.

Elderflower recognised an aerial picture of a hurricane and the eye.

We talked about which of our relatives may be able to tell us what it was like to live through the second world war.

Some discussion about dinosaurs, skeletons, fossils, eggs and how the archeologists and scientists have come up with the images of what they think they looked like

The end of the dinosaurs, volcano, meteorite - ice age, whats that, how does it happen?

Pyramids, can you lift one?

Putting up posters, negotiating where to put them.

Blackberry read a story to E and S over breakfast.

Why gloves sometimes have the thumb pointing upwards rather than lying flat - the physiology of the hand.

Counting 1-10 Sunburst

Holidays - why does it take so long to get there?

Game of Happy Families with Flags of the World

Drawing pictures of butterflies and labelling them

Elderflower reading our last chapter together, savouring the book (not wanting it to end!), some spellings, some numbers - practising how hundreds look

Blackberry makes some small bags for her siblings and cousins out of fabric with her sewing machine and puts in some conker pets in them, wraps them all up, labels to give to them later.

Checking out the height chart and seeing if it can be cheated.

I stopped writing the list at midday when we had our lunch. Had a lovely day x

Season changes !

Lets get this back to home ed!
None of this writing in the middle of the night malarkey - I have a blissful free few hours in the house (and of course overrun with things I'd like to do with it!) Now that we have changed our routine again to include me Not working, we're all in a bit of a muddle getting all the individual needs met again. All in a tumble after Sunburst's birthday week and now coming back down to ground. Not sure if I've seen the back of the wheat yet (after my last post), but not focusing on it too much.

We've had the heating on once or twice, days are getting shorter.
There were some fab readings at our chapel service yesterday:

I'm going to type out my favourite:

The heart is the seedpod of the soul. 

The heart is the seedpod of the soul.

When the divine rain falls on her, 

She breaks open and grows towards the light,

Nourished by the good dark earth,

Fed by the compost of experience,

And shaped into uniqueness

by the winds of suffering.

Warmed by the sun, the radiance

at the heart of all life, her tendrils

reach out for other plants, to know

the joy of true companionship:

The love of one being for another.

Fed by the hidden waters of the earth,

She explands and contracts, changing and growing.

In spring she puts on leaves

and shivers with gladness

at the touch of the Beloved.

In summer she blossoms

and gives forth ravishing scent in the bliss of union.

Then the ripening of fruit

and the time of falling leaves

as the return to the Source draws near.

Then the chill of age and wisdom

and the plant stands naked

before the ultimate.

Now she scatters her treasures to the winds

and the seeds of love area carried onwards

to lodge by chance in some plot of earth,

Barren or fertile, there to nourish some other growing plant.

Yvonne Ayburrow

Thats all for now
x x x

Ode to Gluten

Gluten you Mess Me UP, Man!

Sugar, you're pretty bad, too.

My relationship with you sucks, I've no control, I consider myself to 'deserve' you and yet you treat me so bad.

                      ~ you're like a candy-bar lover, looks too good to be true, flaunts yourself, catches my eye, waits til I give in, then forgets me, leaves me totally unsatisfied and hurting, wondering how I ever succumbed to your ways. Dammit!

And I used to sit diary-in-hand, writing about boys.

Writing how good-for-nothing this one might be, or how in pain I was, and then I'd conveniently forget and skip off down the road again...

So in this new me lifestyle where I value myself and my instincts, where will gluten and sugar sit?

Do you know I don't know if I can let go?

How can that be true?

Maybe I like my midnight silent retreats

(why not do these voluntarily without the belly pain?)

Maybe I'm addicted to the substances.

Maybe I don't truly value myself when it comes to the serious business of creating the life that I want.

Maybe I choose to be a slave to the modern (warped) diet

with its emotional and physical rollercoasters.

It feels like a wagon at the bottom of a hill, with no means of pushing it to the top, even though beyond the summit lies fresh green pastures, clear blue skies and opportunities galore, freedoms boundless.

What will it take to charge my steed to take on the task?

I have an excellent 'Goblin' exercise that i just tried out to ask myself that question. It was really fun and revealing. For more details, a five minute exercise to connect with authentic self, follow me :) <3 <3 <3 

The Home Ed Treatment

I've been to a concert this evening of inspiring heart felt music from a couple based in Dartmoor, Carolyn Hillyer and Nigel Shaw. You can find them here.

They sang of the land, of freedom and of our ancient roots.

So I'm remembering the revolution of choosing home ed and how it felt initially (and still feels now, especially when watching friends still factoring school in, I feel so released from this pattern that didn't work for me). A phenomenal freedom I had not even dreamed of.

And I'm deeply aware that there are other areas of our life that need The Home Ed Treatment - the Leap of Faith!! The Stepping into the Darkness with Trust and Fearlessness.

• I'd like to stop paying a mortgage that we can't afford.
• I'd like to spend more time based in the countryside with the rivers and the trees and some silence.
• I'd like to continue centralising the need for a close community of like-minded friends, cut out the distractions and the doubts.
• I'd like to stay focused on my individual growth, so as to model this within the family, nurturing growth and evolution for us all.

It is only when we release ourselves from the things that are not working that we can make way for the new. It takes courage and is immediately rewarded by expansiveness, fresh open breath, and the knowledge that we are more powerful than we could ever imagine. Go For It!

Being me without the distractions

Start writing and it will come. Floods of feelings about projects planned, begun and aborted, other projects not planned and yet blossoming beautifully unbidden by my conscious mind.

My favourite quote this last week is :

"When I let go of what I want, I ready myself to receive what is truly mine.

The second of these is the greater gift."

Anita Moorjani: Dying to Be Me (from memory so not word for word)

I have been Very Grumpy at the moment, my hormones are raging through my system, my tolerance level is low - high - low- high !!! I am grieving the loss of the plans that I had before I became pregnant. The loss of the me I was familiar with before, what I was able to manage physically and mentally, what I was hoping to manage over the next couple of years.

And much that I love having babies and adore my children, I have this sense that I'm again sitting back on my heels, that my power has been taken away, that I must sit this one out.

Thanks for hearing that, I totally trust that my discomfort will pass and that it is all part of the seamless tapestry. I welcome this little soul and feel joyful about it too, just have no idea about the rest of our lives!

Surrender, I think is the key.

I can not control how I am viewed by the outside world, no matter what my perception of that worldview is. The only person judging me is probably myself!

For me, the swiftest way to process painful feelings is to express them and indulge them, get right in there and explore the territory. I have been writing my feelings down, talking when I can, identifying the things I need in my life to support me.

The only things I have lost are hot air really, the bits that my mind had mapped out for myself. The bits I thought defined me, defined how I am in the world, what my role is (particularly outside of the family). What I've gained is a totally new horizon where I trust I will be guided and led to continue my true growth as human being.

I believe really the only thing that we can be certain of during life on Earth is that is full of change and chaos! I welcome the opportunity to get better at coping with this truth.

I hope that you are well and that you are nurturing yourself wherever change and chaos persist in your own lives.
Namaste
Ali x