A Toy Train in Space

posted by Blackberry, they all had a lot of fun with this

Timidly, boldly, valuing Me

Today a little more about me and accepting that the choices I make are down to me. Just as it was me who's emotional barometer stopped us from schooling, I've found my limit again in terms of how much I can take on. Lots of months planning the kind of work I'd like to give a go, interview, paperwork, initial training and bam I've hit my cry-o-meter buttons again.

But this time I'm listening!
I went for months, years of forcing myself through pain barriers as a teacher, as a mum, waited until something really physical snapped like a miscarriage once, nearly a marriage in another moment! Waiting for these massive external things before I'd stop forcing myself. I'd got so used to waking up with dread and tears, explaining away, reassurring everyone around me that I'm fine, head down, battle on, follow an unseen expectation or dreamed up agenda.

And then this last year with the decision to home ed, the excellent hard focused work my partner and I have done to heal our relationship I have found a new kind of living where days flow, where difficulties are shared and where the foundations are strong and nurturing. I've experienced smiling, the flow of love and of Grace, of knowing myself to be held in the palm of Love's hand.

And so the tears, lethargy, mental dizziness came all this weekend and I'm listening. I've taken a step away from work to value this pregnancy and to focus back on these children, our educating life which must take more of me than I had realised. I feel shocked (again) but I can sense that this was a necessary choice to value myself and the powerfully simple things we are doing here. This is my work for now.

Letting go of the reins

First two weeks of my part-time job with a learning curve of its own, my hardest thing, I think, is letting go of what's happening at home. Papa Weststar is grand with them all here, so thats something to accept (I am not irreplaceable!) but also here are some snippets of how I know that learning is going on in my absence.

Elderflower asked about fossils today and before either of the adults could respond, Blackberry lunged across the room for her rocks and minerals book, zoomed straight  to the paragraph with the answer and read it aloud. Voila.

Elderflower's reading is coming along beautifully.

My last little snippet is about swimming: you may remember I have commented on it before, not ever understanding how we were to learn this skill without trained tutors!! Well, E did it her way a few months back, following our instructions and adding her own stamina and determination. B took up residence in the corner of the pool for about 7 weeks on the trot, basically practising going under water and holding her breath.

It might have looked like avoidance sometimes, or general loitering, but last week she started to bounce along the bottom during these spells of breath holding. Until she asked one of us stand a little way away, and three, four strokes later there she was with the biggest beam mirrored by all present!

I love it :) x

I wanna eat anything But Not That!

Now a pregnant woman is not someone to give you a wholly centred take on diet matters! I have craved mostly gelatine-filled sweeties and bacon which has not sat that well with me, but has brought much pleasure when I've got over myself and dug in to said products.

I can feel that grains, carbohydrates, sugars are not that great for me. And I'm a bit fed up about it. We've been baking bread on Saturdays which is such a fab process to learn and share but here's the crack, Blackberry in particular but the others to some extent just can't deal with the gluten! She's been howling today with screams of unfairness and emotional ups and downs that we haven't seen for weeks.

Now having read today in Motherfunker's ace blog a Call Out to us all to say Yes to being different and Yes to our alternative choices, sticking up for our unique belief systems and lifestyles, I am bolstering myself to simply be bold and make gluten free bread (for a start), grain-free bread (ideally) on these Saturday moments.

I'm sticking my heels in because of the expense and the extra effort at a time when I want to be gentle with myself. Starting a new job for 21 hours a week to which I cycle (12 weeks pregnant) and the adjustments to home life this has naturally brought has floored me a bit. Eating sugar is not helping I'm sure, nor gobbling the home made bread yesterday and having cramps all evening! New recipes needed, new ingredients needed! Juggling so many balls I don't know where to put my attention!

Just how autonomous can you get?!?

Its a pleasure to have Blogger back, our computer has been poorly for a week or two. There's been many a moment when I've wanted to get blogging again!

The beginning of our second year home educating, in a much more relaxed state than this time last year (and still a little room for more comfort next year as we continue to settle into this lifestyle).

In the first week as the rest of the neighbourhood children got into their schooling timetable, I came home from the shop at 11am to find all mine hanging on the front gate, hollering at me down the road. They'd only been in the front garden for a few moments (I was told after my overreaction!) but my instinct was to tell them all off and hurry them inside. I seemed acutely sensitive to drawing attention to ourselves. If we are seen to be not at school, at least lets seem to be working, focused, taking life seriously.... (!)

Perhaps some of this was the initial shock of all the children disappearing again. How it becomes normal to have such a limited number of age-groups around during the daytimes. The inviting of young people into institutions so that any still with their families seem out-of-place is frightening.

Anyway, I'm over it now!

And the point of this post was about planning. And how we do little in this house, and yet how clear it is where the progressions are, where to go next. The questions from the children pile in minute after minute. I remember reading in Ross Mountney's book her tip was to not plan further than a few days ahead and this advice sits well with us. Whilst I have the urges to map it out, I am learning more and more to trust where they go with things, they have their own map. So far this suits us just fine, in fact I feel very lucky that I can trust their process as it removes us parents from the driver's seat and puts us all co-piloting.

It has taken the de-schooling period for this love and thirst to be replenished, particularly for Blackberry the eldest. She now totally gets that its not up to us to feed her information, she has many projects and pursuits on the go. She joins in with us sometimes, she goes off sometimes. She doesn't wish to be taught, and we are navigating our ways to communicate more successfully each month that passes.

Elderflower is our teacher's pet (!!) in that she allows Papa Weststar in particular to lead and teach in its more traditional sense. Its a gift I think that she lets us follow a little thought pattern path with her for an hour or two, happily sinking her teeth into the suggested tasks. She has violin lessons and loves it. She's up for most things.

I never thought i'd be an autonomous educator. I became so schooled myself in traditional chalk and talk methods that they felt like the safest route. I knew no different. And yet in autonomy I find great comfort and happiness. Like the walls that hemmed me in imagining that life was just one long straight line from A to B have crumbled and fallen and I can dance wherever I choose. Going with the flow of the day, being present with their questions whether we are in the house, garden, city, county. Except for one hour after lunch and from 7pm onwards, I'm their's, we're together and we're doing the cha-cha-cha! - One step forwards one step backwards.......!