Day 3 - where else to write except on a home made blog...

So I've decided to use a blog to express some of what is going on - we are in a transition place where I would love to fall back into the arms of the school, to friends there, to the regularity of walking to and from the building and associated chats with other mums, popping to local shops etc. But I stopped at day 3 last time I tried home ed (3 years ago when our youngest was newborn and I was the only adult at home) so I need to push on through the fear barrier to see what is on the other side.

We miss our friends and went to see one family after school time today which was fun and renewed my energy a little. I pick up so easily on my middle's feelings, she (5) is trusting of us that this is something worth trying. She liked school but struggled with 5 days. She liked the idea of doing half and half but that didn't feel possible at this school.

Heavens its only day 3!! I am glad to be trying this. I think it might be a bit like stopping all my antidepressants at once (I am guessing as I haven't actually ever taken them) - like all my senses are richer as we take back the responsibility of our children's education. I feel bolder and more sure of my footing in one sense and then totally afraid of what we've let go of in another. It is good to remind myself of our reasoning over the last 3 years. And how really through no (conscious) planning of our own we have arrived at a point where it is possible - 2 out-of-work teachers, one child totally jumping at the opportunity to try schooling in a different way, 2 who appear for the most part quite happy to give it a go.

I trust that however this little journey lasts, we are all going to grow as people and learn life skills in adapting and responding to each other. Finding out what we need to find out, exploring what we need to explore etc.etc.

My husband is far more solid than me at this point. He is happy with the no barriers lifestyle, of going with the flow and trusting this feeling of together ness. I think that I have often been busy in my life and it is strange to not have a definite plan. Structure is good and we are talking a lot about how to accomodate our different needs in the family setting.

One thing we may try this next week is to be work focused between 9 and 2 to then give us a clear place of when to stop and rest. I can already see that this may not be the best plan as eldest and J were still investigating the English language just before bedtime last night. Learning to go with the flow. Imagining I am on a swing, trusting the ropes, the structure around me to hold as we let go and feel the thrill of the unknown.
Feeding them regularly, coming up with ideas that they might like to do, ticking away at some sewing projects...

There's a bit of me really questions if I can do a good enough job in comparison to the school. I don't at this stage feel I have the stamina to plan lessons, come up with resources etc. like I used to when I was working (before parenthood). But I also read when researching this planned move, that its OK to give yourselves 6 months to ease into it. 6 months and I'm here fretting on day 3!!

Top tip from friend today was a reminder to make sure the kids see their friends and so thats being sorted. Keeping those bonds alive will definitely make this feel easier I think.

I've never published my blog comments before. Can't imagine anyone will read (although I have searched and enjoyed reading others' real life thoughts before so its always possible!)

Being the change I want to see in the world. As best I can with all my flaws, tripups and irregularities!