Ready to start all over.....!

Time for tiny tee-shirts again! We've been struck how so much comes round and round for attention if you don't get it first time, how many lessons there are to learn over and over until we master them. How blessed we are to get another go at baby time, the unconscious memories from our own babyhoods, the synchronicities that have led to this moment as we enter the newborn phase for the 4th time as parents.

The house we are living in turns out to be a 2 mile bike ride along little Norfolk lanes from a house Papa W lived in 30 years ago. He's revisiting paintings he did then and all the influences of the landscape reminding him of those times. Who'd have thought he'd be here with his family in years to come.

I found a bag yesterday of newborn suits I'd carefully put away before the move - one baby-gro in particular had come full circle through a couple of other families back to us, a suit I'm fairly sure all 3 of our babies wore in the first few weeks of their life. The familiar pattern and the layout of the poppers helped me feel a little more connected to what is about to happen when our new baby comes.

New things happening all the time, new beginnings, new shoots and yet at the same time, same things repeating, comforting rhythmic patterns.

Each child bringing a piece of their experience to our conversations and explorations, weaving our family fabric with unique colours undreamt of by us as parents. And as the fabric grows in depth and strength it is reinforced by repetition; our daily routines, stories new and old, the comforting responses to each others calls for help, the freedom to take time to listen and find solutions together. Magical moments.

Baby Holiday

It was announced last week by a close HE friend that this should now be my Baby Holiday -- where we slow down, not expect quite so much from our days. At 34 weeks gestation there is a cruel and mean beast on my right shoulder saying No it is Too Early: you Must keep Pushing and Striving to keep the Strict and Serious business of home education turning Forwards, you can not stop yet!!

Heavens, there's some inner-saboteur soundtrack for you!

It will not surprise you to read that all remains well in the Weststar home - despite the ridiculous on-going chatter of my doubts and stresses (accompanied by the white-knuckle ride of pregnancy hormones and emotions!!) and the quite natural bicker and growth of 3 children and 2 parents navigating their way around a new home and getting ready to welcome our newcomer in April.

There's a book called Idle Parenting -- I may not ever get to actually read it, but I love the title. Its a reminder that we can let our children grow and learn without steering them, butting in every five minutes. So that even if at choice times in life's journey we are less involved, it may consequently be Perfect growth time for the children!! How easy it is to get in their way!!

Blackberry is submerged in learning about herbs to grow and as medicines. She has designed and built with her dad a 'Magic Garden' - a wheel consisting of 6 sections in which we will be growing our herbs. She is due to spend the afternoon with our good friend and herbalist on Tuesday too, to go through her dispensary and help stock-take. Fab.

Elderflower continues to bloom forwards, inspired by a friend and parent at our Barefoot Learners group last Monday to write a song about sharks and turtles, she got her violin out to have a go at a tune for it yesterday. She is enamoured by the story of Winter the dolphin (DVD A Dolphin's Tale - true story, nicely done) and continues to have in-depth, left-field questions about just about everything we encounter and more.

If your children would like to visit their blogs, they are:

Blackberry: http://cheeky7.blogspot.co.uk/
Elderflower: http://elderflowersblog.blogspot.co.uk/
Please leave a comment and share your blog address too :)

Sunburst loves his dad especially at the moment. A lot of cuddles, reassurance, wrestling and boisterousness. Walks in the woods with Blackberry, setting up animal tea parties for Elderflower, high quality lego vehicles and Sunday chocolates.

Yep, our baby holiday will be no dip in the learning curve, just a new rhythm, a freer style and some priceless life skills as we develop patience with each other, the art of going-with-the-flow and easing through yet another transitional time.

Home ed, keeping the heart of family life at our hearth, growing together.

final trimester, final straws

Things are calming down around here, the pregnancy has brought me to yet the next layer of simplifying and slowing down. Recognising I can do less, manage less, juggle less. In a wholesome pregnancy book this would be a celebrated time where I would honour my body and surrender to the process. I'm getting there.... noticing loads of negative mind chatter and frustration, but I hope I'm letting go where I can. I have protestant-work-ethic running in my veins, even when I least expect it there's self-blame and guilt just waiting to plague me!

Blackberry and I have gone grain-free for Lent which gave me the boost of creativity I needed this morning. It was her idea and whilst it might be harder work, I'm really welcoming the change. We had been getting bored with our menu. I followed this diet in the first trimester and it really helped with the nausea because it keeps the blood sugar levels more steady. I'm hoping it may help now with the exhaustion and certainly today I've been more even-keel with physical and emotional worlds. Slower, but I'm still fairly steady at the end of the day whereas over-burning earlier in the day has meant massive exhaustion in the afternoons and evenings, the last week or two.

I wanted to share a very good-humoured jest with a friend today where we were talking about those times when we're not sure home ed is the right thing, when we're in an ebb. She referred to it as having the boarding school on speed dial!

There's been a ripple of interest in chemistry with pH levels and cleaning coins with vinegar for Blackberry. Drying out orange peel in different ways. Pestle and mortar experiments and recipe finding for the Lent diet. Loads of outdoor time and knitting.
Elderflower's still the one who welcomes a bit of working from books most days with English and Maths. Its just one slice of the pizza as the largest chunk of her learning comes from noticing the things around her and the conversations we have. Animals, birds and the dawn of private reading.
Sunburst has gently been introduced to s-a-t-n-i-p phonemes, feels a bit early to me but not to him! Lego constructions are a favourite especially when wearing a cape. Imagination of a creative giant, sometimes we lose track of what has happened and what has been dreamed up, he holds us all in his story-telling genius.

Just non-stop development all day every day, all of them. Trying to list it leaves so much out that its difficult to know how to chart or prove or quantify what's been learned. The Local Education Authority visitor was totally satisfied with our provision so I guess we must have enough 'evidence' even if what can be seen on paper or learned about in a 2 hour home visit only scratches the surface of each family member's growth, development and education journey!

Bye for now, a calm and gestating Weststar :)

Pass the parcel!

Christmas time and my coping strategies change year on year.

This year, having just exchanged contracts on selling our house today, Papa W's five-oh birthday today too and now 25 weeks pregnant added to the mix, I am again in a place where I need to accept less of myself.

Less gifts made for those I love. Less paper acknowledgments (xmas cards) sent out. Less money to spend on the kids. Less privacy to keep stockings etc the magical secret they can sometimes be. Less energy to weave magical, timely, wholesome festive cheer amongst the home team.

I had some time of real discomfort overnight on the 19th when I realised there was no gift completed for my partner and lots of half-finished gifts for others... and that if I did finish them I would probably be on the floor (and what kind of gift is that for those who share my life??!!)

I love looking at the kids' patterns with all this:

Sunburst gives away many of his toys (or tries to) to friends when they visit. He especially likes to wrap them up. He is often thinking what he can give to people. The material things are important in that giving moment and I sense that it doesn't matter who actually 'keeps' them at the end of the playtime. The object may go home with the friend or it may stay here, the gesture of giving is as satisfying either way.

Elderflower is really clear about her gift giving and receiving. She takes time for one person, pours concentrations and care into the making. Things are quite weighty to her -- she won't give away things that she loves, she knows exactly what she wants to buy or acquire when opportunity comes her way. For the moment, gaining is definitely her favourite -- whilst she might think of someone when she sees a particular thing, she would rather keep it for herself than pass it on. She enjoys having money and singles out objects with crystal clarity.

Blackberry is massively generous and effusive in making gifts, cards, projects for others. These flair up quickly and are rarely followed through to actually handing them over (unless a parent comes along, nabs it and bags it up, seals it in an envelope for the person before it is discarded!) But out of the fifty projects begun over a few days, there will be one that is finished and presented and is totally inspired. But that one is no less or more important than the rest, each one is full of a furious and passionate drive to create for herself and for others.

I love that (in my understanding of the world) the energy of the gift we make reaches the person, even if the actual thing does not. I had a fantasy of burning all the cards I've made this year, with love, bcs I'm not sure I've got the where-with-all to distribute effectively now that they are sitting in a box written and sealed. You know in Mary Poppins, the letter that gets ripped up in the fireplace? It whips up the chimney in the magical west wind and is reformed for the nanny to find. That kind of thing.

At this midwinter time of festivities, we've all got our way of expressing ourselves. And each is equal to another, just as our other forms of expression are individual. More or less love can not be equated accurately through material goods. And thats quite a revelation to me. I feel like I'm saying something really basic that everyone else figured out years ago! But for me these things are fairly new -- that what I do is largely down to me, and my behaviour simply makes me, me.

Best Day of the Year

So dubbed by Blackberry as we rode home from the pet shop this evening :) Again reminding me that the magic is indeed in the normality, regularity, the simple.

I get such joy hearing them all with Papa Weststar, they're doing a jigsaw together at the moment. He has such wisdom in the simplicity of what he offers. I heard him earlier say - so what will it be? Clay or painting - at a moment when my clock was well and truly switched off and I'm into total freefall before bed, he has the forward movement of an activity to offer (neither of which they chose to do! but hey!).

It is a total balance between the two of us parenting which I never imagined could happen. When I feel ready to drop he's often there and likewise when he needs space I'm energised to be On the Case Mum. In fact perhaps it is the only way both of us get to flow with our skills by taking it in turns, not so much scheduled-in 'shifts' as naturally letting each other take over when a break is needed. (disclaimer: It is hard work and has taken years to allow the flow of these moments and we frequently mess up!!)

And through all of this, I guess we are finding our rhythm. This follows on from the deschooling period as we are truly planting footsteps a little more surely now. For years I've wanted a better way of marking Advent than a chocolate calendar that they sneak under their pillows and ransack at intervals. My creativity simply couldn't operate when the practical toings and froings of school were at play. And last year, early in the de-schooling period, I was still reeling and landing, allowing the chaos to move noisily around us as we settled.

This year is a bit more spacious. I've a sore throat and headache this evening but I'm listening. I hear my actual need to share on this blog, my inner being calling out for down time, some unravelling. It is only by stopping that I can honour myself with the time I need to get some thoughts, some creative time, some reflecting. I've designed my Advent idea and I can't wait to see how we'll experience this time together over that month.

When I do this stopping and honouring myself, I can feel the peaceful wave move through the house. It is good to listen to what you need kids, its cool to just stop when you need to. Nothing else matters in these moments. I love that mantra: Nowhere to go, Nothing to do. Allow the ebbs when they come and you'll be fully energised for the Flow as it returns!!!

The beauty of the tree that conserves its energy for winter, gracefully loosening and letting go of the patterns, things, concerns and past that it no longer needs.

Stay in your homes!

I'm consistently amazed at just how little I can manage outside of the basics at the moment! 19 weeks pregnant, selling the house, 3 lively kids at home soaking up all the alleys of experience that we explore together. OK so the basics are quite involved to be fair!

Every time I think I've made some big steps to come back to the home, to minimise, simplify, centre... I find just a few weeks later that I'm still running around like a crazy thing and finding all the same symptoms of overwrought come in to play. Pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, dietary confusion, dark days. And its time to minimise some more. Not sure why I'm obsessed with being busy because the kids aren't really that fussed! Some of our best days are the ones where we're at home, taking it steady with good food, each following our own little rhythm inside the rhythm of the day.


Giving up home ed just doesn't feel like an option anymore... although of course it is! I mean I can't imagine losing the freedom and structure to our day - hard work though it is, I am more alive and more authentic than I was before. The quality of life for all of us simply being and growing together was not manageable fitting in to the traditional working timetable.

There we go, a short little moment, didn't want to lost the thread of the blog, though life is turning upside, downside round and round, there's something about checking in -- I totally see how the word blog came about!

Timidly, boldly, valuing Me

Today a little more about me and accepting that the choices I make are down to me. Just as it was me who's emotional barometer stopped us from schooling, I've found my limit again in terms of how much I can take on. Lots of months planning the kind of work I'd like to give a go, interview, paperwork, initial training and bam I've hit my cry-o-meter buttons again.

But this time I'm listening!
I went for months, years of forcing myself through pain barriers as a teacher, as a mum, waited until something really physical snapped like a miscarriage once, nearly a marriage in another moment! Waiting for these massive external things before I'd stop forcing myself. I'd got so used to waking up with dread and tears, explaining away, reassurring everyone around me that I'm fine, head down, battle on, follow an unseen expectation or dreamed up agenda.

And then this last year with the decision to home ed, the excellent hard focused work my partner and I have done to heal our relationship I have found a new kind of living where days flow, where difficulties are shared and where the foundations are strong and nurturing. I've experienced smiling, the flow of love and of Grace, of knowing myself to be held in the palm of Love's hand.

And so the tears, lethargy, mental dizziness came all this weekend and I'm listening. I've taken a step away from work to value this pregnancy and to focus back on these children, our educating life which must take more of me than I had realised. I feel shocked (again) but I can sense that this was a necessary choice to value myself and the powerfully simple things we are doing here. This is my work for now.

It wasn't on The Map!

Some quite unexpected events have fallen in amongst the Weststar householders. All completely joyful, though at first glance they may seem like crises.

Just after my successful interview (you'll remember the one, big life change, half-time work, moving up and out of unemployed life, into sharing the paid work and home ed balance....) - I fell pregnant. Yes I do know how it happens, but I made a mistake about timings and this is how I find myself. And so Number 4 Weststar is on her or his way.

So up until now I've planned and dreamed and forged my way forwards with what I understood my life to be about. The map was detailed, if a little boring, I fitted in to what might be expected of me from the outside. (Well, except for the home ed I guess, and the grain-free awkwardness, and the anti-vaccine stance... OK OK dream on Westy if you think you were fulfilling expectations!)

So I thought I was following my map and pleasing those around me if they took the time to need pleasing.

But now, this absolute Gift of a soul growing in my belly is very inconvenient. We won't fit in a normal car (which we can't afford to run anyhow!), we are still largely unemployed in any real monetary sense. I smart at quite how this could have happened. It wasn't on the Map!

And yet I think I feel today about as humbled and lucky as I have felt of late. Totally supported by Grace and the Flow of Life. My new boss is figuring out how to still have me in a slightly different role and probably less hours initially. Friends have come forward with help and support abundant. I've realised I really did want another little bear (and any of this is only possible because of home ed, there is no way I would bring someone else into my previous incarnation as a school-running clock-watcher) and I totally trust that we'll figure it out.

Or, to hell with figuring it out. Its already sorted, we just have to surrender and go with the flow to support ourselves, continue our excellent family life and enjoy the relationships within our family and friend community that co-sustain. Hard work yes, I know that, but real ground roots work where we grow, thrive, learn and unfold.

When have unexpected things happened to you and how did you welcome them into your life? I'd love to know. Thank you for reading friends.

LIfe's pretty uneventful really!

Describing different ways of understanding basic fractions over the last few weeks, found a new way with Blackberry today while she is singing her way through banana bread making. Jotted it down on the whiteboard after we'd talked about it so she can look at it when she wants to.

These are the moments where I can see they're learning! But all the gaps in between are full of those moments too. We've just said no telly for a week and I can sense the relief all around us. Just like when I cleared all the toys out of their room (needless to say its full again at the mo!! Everything ebbs and flows!)

We made bread on Saturday (wheaty even though we don't eat much wheat... its such a satisfying process and totally delicious to them - deprived of fully glutinous bread that they are the rest of the week!) Sunburst walked around the kitchen, his newly baked loaf wrapped in a tea towel "I love my bread, I love my bread". Going to see if Saturday works as a good day to do this each week.

Playing around with parental authority. I get so uncomfortable if we end up too far down the threats or demands route, though it would probably be helpful to come to some agreement with Papa Weststar about this. Its so obvious that Blackberry thrives on seeing how far she can push, so we end up positively draconian if we stand by our guns (about something we can just as well forget about!). Looking forward to exploring it more.

I understand the idea that children need parents to set boundaries and to be in charge, in control. But I don't see that this needs to negate their own sense of control, power and being in charge of themselves. There's so much give, take and sharing in our lifestyle, it feels total sense to work primarily on myself, my own reactions to incidents, letting the rest come.

And so day-to-day interweavings are in themselves pretty uneventful. And it is through this that I feel we've landed in home ed, we're preparing our little ones for life, day by day, moment by moment, mistakes, lightbulb moments, problem solving, the whole thing.

Rhythm

Every few months, the telly watching starts to crescendo upwards (from very little to a little if I'm honest!) - and it starts to feel like it takes over. I was talking with a Steiner teacher and it has renewed my enthusiasm to include the kids more in the house running, meals, tidying, sweeping etc. Like they always are, but to move things up a notch.

Back to the Simplicity Living book I think ( I'm good at reading half of books!) and on to the chapter on Rhythm, where things like this can be just part of the day. We don't need to wait til one of us is stressed and gotta tidy under duress, we simply add it in as a natural place on our day's cycle. Alongside scrubbing the wooden table, waxing the wooden drawers, stuff involving each of us in looking after the home.

Hang on maybe this is just about my housekeeping!

Maybe I've got a burst of sunshine as the kids get older where I'm able to see other jobs aside from the very basics that are covered in the first handful of years. Food, sleep, washing, bathroom, kitchen. That's about my repertoire. I remember just starting to care about the odd item of ironing before Sunburst was born (haven't got that back yet!) And veggy growing is up there in my daily tasks now :)

Some of the jobs I enjoy doing alone and use the TV option to enjoy time away from the kids for half hour or so. Gently challenging myself to see if there's still work to be done on that?

Have a friend, greatly admired, who's ditched toys with batteries. I have very little idea of how we came to have so many with batteries, I hate the things! L refers to Mother Earth and how batteries hurt her. Quite right! I enjoy this inspiration to stand by what I believe. Whilst I forgive myself for not having the energy to stand in the flightpath of mainstream culture all the time.

So there's these aspirations, TV-free, battery-free, clutter-free, busy little beavers, patching up the house like the birds in Snow White...!

And then there's what we've got. A real house with real people and some pets. Some crap (naturally!) but a fairly steady flow of stuff being passed on. Some times where we all spontaneously help each other. Cleanliness never too far away. Some TV used when tiredness or overwroughtness sets in, or when there is a quality programme to be enjoyed. Youtube used for answering questions.

Its good to have aspirations but ladling in the compassion not to look too far out of my sights.

Gracefully Skint, Staying Confident

I can get all in a twiddle thinking which blog is which - is this just for home school stuff - do I need to be really clear about what I put on here?

And then I think of other Very Good blogs that I follow and think No! This is a blog about day-to-day life and reflections. Another place I write is Conjuring Lyrical and the distinction (kind of) is that I let myself loosen into creative flow more there, its less clear what I'm writing about.

So here, day to day, we are, financially speaking, on the ground. Floored, scraping the barrel, scratching around.
And yet, whilst that feels true some of the time, I also feel part of an abundant universe where I am very blessed. So I do get perspective on it when I can. I don't whine all the time!

Now I'm sure this is not down to home educating, though choosing to make the transition has been a full time job for both adults maintaining courage whilst buffeting each storm as we deschool. This wouldn't necessarily be the same for every family but it was for us. The transformations our lives have been through this last year have heartened and carried us a long way beyond the familiar frustrations of low-income life. Frugal Living and Voluntary Simplicity are two phrases I have learned describing ways that many people embrace this choice.

Maybe the painful moments are when I feel I'm not exercising a choice to be here, its all very well making the best of a situation and enjoying the benefits of both adults being largely at home but that can wear thin when its a struggle to buy the food for the week, petrol for the car etc. Always watching the figures, cancelling plans as the petrol prices continue to rise, imagining ways that I might ask for some help from relatives etc. All a bit dull!

My belief is that all is perfect: we draw to ourselves the situations and events that most help us evolve and grow towards the sun. Lots of learning, lots of growing. On the proactive, creative side, lets draw some strength from the anger and frustration when I feel I'm at the mercy of events or someone else's karma (is that even possible?!) - Own the Truth that we are here all together for whatever we need to learn and work through. Own the Reality that we have the money for what we truly want, its so easy to hide behind a 'we can't afford it' line, when really if we wanted it enough we'd make it happen.

I love being more home based. Its scary sometimes but it feels right. There is so much to do, feel and explore in the bosom of our hobbit hole. We don't have expensive tastes anymore which will no doubt be great when the money starts to flow a little more kindly, I grasp the value of items and services fairly acutely (please say I've learned that one now!) Our greatest expenditure bar the obvious is the decentest food we can find, local, organic, cooking from scratch, embracing our health as much as possible.

So I welcome this moment (have you noticed I write in affirmations when actually I want to grumble and whine? The next post might be the bitter twisted words that are getting pushed to the side now! or I'll save them for the sister site!) I welcome this very visceral experience of what Money has come to be, what we've made it as a global race. I trust that all is well and that we have everything we need.

How is this 'recession' or whatever we choose to call it affecting you and your family? What positive spins do you take on it when you can?

Love from Weststar, Gracefully skint, staying confident :)

Full Life Living Our Choices

Sitting in the car today with my son, a feast of opportunities around us. Again finding that less is more. I used to find car journeys great for conversation in my family growing up - somehow the lack of distractions gave fertile ground for real comments on life, how we all were as individuals for example. Little (we're yet to come up with his pseudonym) has always been happy sitting in the car seat, whether or not the car is moving, he has a feeling of going somewhere, a reassuring sense of journeying.

Today was the last day for one of their groups, quite happily coming to the end. Its a great group, with great tutors but too much money for us at present and life just feels so busy again. Can it really be as busy as it was at full time school? It certainly feels it! When the kids came out of the local schools today I felt like the day was only just beginning, our commitments and arrangements continue into the evenings, the kids fall into their beds replete and satisfied. Fullness. Thats how life feels at the moment. Wow, I love that.

And yet the flip side of fullness is when the simple things start slipping, where getting to the next appointment takes precedent over respectfulness within the family, or attention to the basics of our living space. So I happily let some things go (be they possessions, thought patterns or outside commitments) safe in the knowledge that we are full. Thats not to say I'm flakey. Far from it, I take our relationships gladly and seriously :) But I'm no longer packing the meet-up dates in, fretting about socialisation, or responding to every cry out for this friend or that friend. Even an empty day in the diary will be full of breath, life, stillness and movement in constant flow and balance.

Yak Yak Yak!

We do a lot of talking in this house: well, we can do a lot of talking! Its not always a good thing, wild horses can run off in different directions and pull at each other, this way no this way. Something we find ourselves saying to the kids on occasion (courtesy of our parents): If you can't say anything nice, keep your mouth shut!

The last few weeks, yesterday and today in particular I've been experimenting with saying less. How about taking our own advice? How about listening for a change?

There is a great calmness in it, it naturally leaves more space. I understand that the key to great communication is being a good listener, observing and being present, repeating phrases back/paraphrasing to show I'm listening. It works really well with kids and does keep me more present with them. From this place of gentle observation I can learn so much more about where they're at and what they're needs are.

Free Range Guinea Pigs

I've got to start typing to find my flow again - its been a week or two!

An aborted visit to go look at the flexischool I hope to be postponed rather than cancelled, at least so that we can put the idea to rest one way or the other. Its the inbetween decisions that I least like, I need a fair bit of structure myself although I am letting go of the more restrictive elements of this.

There is a cat in the neighbourhood who has figured that we have guineas and a rabbit grazing in the evenings. I am one eye on the garden! They look so tasty, if I was a cat, I'd have 'em.

A longer term homeschooler balmed me with 'it takes time' when I bathe in the 'togetherness' of her boys. They always seem to be into projects, exploring the world, keen to engage and be responsible for their learning, their life together. (Of course this is through the eyes of being a visitor, but there is much truth in it!) They are a few years out of school.

We are not far off, but we jolt from easy-going flowing learning to fights still, unresponsive, refusal, desperation. There is so much I value about the chance to work through this together. Doing less, being at home more is a key I feel. The process of simplifying warps into many areas of our life, returning to the breath, compassion for ourselves and others (well, this is my journey!) Allowing silence from which questions arise rather than pouring question after question on a hot fire.

I want to say to Elderflower (new self-chosen name for Middle) - It takes time - as there's a bit of me passionate about home ed and wanting to hold on to what we are 'just' grasping. Perhaps 2 weekly days in a classroom won't disturb that. Trust trust trust. What will be will be.

I am hoping to be in half time employment myself before long for my own getting out in the world reasons, it may be the same for Elderflower. I could harp on about this sitting on the fence for paragraphs! And I won't. Lets stick to what will be will be.

The cat is circling, the pigs are unconcerned. They play, they munch, they skip around. And when dark comes they happily wander back to their resting place fairly oblivious to the dangers of the world around them. Who am I to spoil it?!

Hot tin roof head

Its raining hard on my washing at the moment. Its 4am. Solly woke an hour ago wanting the landing light on and my brain has decided its time to get up! Hopefully temporarily, enough time to share and drink herbal tea, then snooze again!

I'm pretty grumpy at the moment and whilst I might have saved that information from my blog a month or so ago, I'm going to share it all with the group today!

The decision about whether or not middle has some school days in her week: we have a school about 15 miles away in a village who's head encourages flexi-schoolers (i think there are 11 out of a total 37 there being partly home edded). Could be a happy half way point to try out.

It brings up loads of stuff though for husband and I. For me there's a comfort in thinking we might do it - and its the weirdest reason. Not because I necessarily think it'll be best for Middle (although in the short term its good to give these things a go) but because they'll be a fixed point or two in our week where someone else is doing the organising. I sometimes find the sheer weight of hearing and going some way to answering everyone's needs (let alone my own) just phenomenal. Its all practise.

Muddled in with that is trying to Guess what others are needing! I think I do this a little too much. I worry they're missing something and swoop sleuthlike on the perceived problem with strategies for sorting out. Some might say this is a clear sign that my own needs aren't being met: If I spent as much time engaging with what I need and reaching out to meet those needs, I would be modelling the behaviour I'm looking for which is clarity in expression, learning to ask for what we want and finding the answers ourselves.

Stuff has taken over our house again, the waves of simplifying are tough. We are like magnets it seems and attract shed loads of objects from the outside world to clutter our living space. The book says be strict to start with. I'm not very good at being strict.

Also, there seems to be this massive time delay between where I see ourselves and where we actually are. Create Your Own Home Ed style. Sure, the potential is exciting, the reality when it works is real, life affirming delight. But as for the times in between its hard work when we never really know how OK it is except for the fact that we'd rather be doing it than not doing it.

And maybe thats enough. How do you do it longer-term home edder goddesses? How do you know this is the right thing? And if you don't (know) how do you keep the task a manageable one?

Love and cinnamon tea, the star in the west.

Lower the anchor, simplicity as stable roots

I'm in to repitition at the moment... Started reading Mary Poppins again (and I might miss out the zoo chapter this time - have you read that?!!) much to the kids comfort. Its not like they're joyful about it or anything, its that they haven't really noticed, and I figure its not about the story, its about the prose, its about my voice, familiarity.

Picking up the subtle signs of comfort. Biggest telling her friends in Sunday Club that "Mum's reading to us", middle and youngest lying in wait for the next instalment. Its new for me to be reading 'proper' books to them and I'm not going to rush it! When so much is changing in our dynamic still (will we be including school next year? what working pattern will each of us parents find? which combination of children are with which parent at what times during the week... lots of change, trial and error, finding our balances), I'm keeping as many roots down as I can. Some stable parts of our day where we touch in to familiar ground.

I know that there are times in my own month when I can assimilate new ideas, stories, influences and other times when I just need to tread water. Ebbing and flowing. I'm carefully learning when not to push myself! See my garden (I will start attaching photos soon), still leagues behind the allotments that have inspired me, but massive steps on from last year. I can get so impatient, but you know what? phenomenal shifts are occurring all the time, even when it feels like we're moving backwards!

I read a beautiful reminder once: At the same pace that we are galloping towards our dreams, our Source, our evolved higher self, so Source is galloping towards us. Picture angels on horseback rushing to be with us, to realise our wildest aspirations, of union with All That Is.

A fab game I've refound from The Daily Groove and Dreaming Aloud - is counting the blessings, listing the things I am grateful for in the last week. (A great game to share with kids too, prompted by Sally Lever) Wow, yes alot of people have pointed me to this one in the last week !! Obviously didn't listen to one of them on their own!

This week I am grateful for: 

@ reading other blogs and feeling encouraged to keep sharing my own and developing my own style :)

@ a great natter with a friend today, a safe off loading and sharing moment in the thick of kid activity

@ a colin firth moment yesterday evening

@ a note from my biggest today (who often expresses herself with anger and frustration) saying she'd had a nice day

@ time to be with each of my children yesterday for half an hour each, they each understood to stay away when it wasn't their 'slot' allowing us to play with our dynamic

@ our lifecoach standing present through unlimited email time as a witness and support for our relationship

@ friendly happy staff at the petrol station when i realised i'd forgotten my wallet

@ having enough money for what we need

@ having time late into the evening to potter outside in our unfolding garden



Blessed Be :) x

Less and Slower

I've copied a bit from our private blog here (is there any such thing as a private blog?!) - its the place where I don't withhold their names and am literally charting where they are each at with their learning. I think if I find pseudonyms to use for them I might just attach the blogs together, trusting that after this initial year of change and transformation, there will be a gentler flow of learning for me to share aloud in blogworld.

There are many great blogs literally explaining day to day happenings in home educating families, some of them are on my blogroll. I love being in touch this way and sharing experiences.

A new plan of ours is to have more one-to-one time with each of the kids. It has already strengthened the link as I've had a few hours each with the girls this week. Time to follow their particular interests and loves. Hopefully the more frequently it happens, the less of an 'event' it will be and these times will add in to the gentle tapestry of how we grow and learn together.

I'm reading Mary Poppins to them all at bedtime which is working beautifully, they're all in to it. I'm intending to simply start at the beginning again when we finish as I'm really embracing this idea of Less. Where before I have wanted to pour information into them, stretch to the highest mountains in search of books, experiences, now I want to hold back and let them climb their own mountain. The world around us can hurtle and flash its lights at us as much as it chooses! We're going to grow our way in our own natural timings.

There is no way that I can know precisely what they need to know for their individual growth (though I'm the best placed person to guess if it is needed!). We write, we read and we do numbers - that much is agreed. The rest is flowing moment by moment and it feels good to trust that. If I find myself worrying about their development, all I need do is stop and listen. The evidence is right there in each question they ponder, each expression they experiment with, each idea they follow.

Wow, thanks Mum!

This was the response to the third wave of simplifying in the kids' bedroom - it could have gone either way!
Literally hundreds of books have been moved into storage (gulp slightly damp shed!), fluffy toys also, dvds from downstairs, and two thirds of the dressing up wardrobe.

There is wave 4 to come, movement of games cupboards downstairs, but I'm going to need back up for that one! Its taken days to get this far!

We've been reading 'Simplicity Parenting', a straightforward and quality read :) Already as we start implementing the suggestions, we can see and feel it in the family. I can't believe I didn't see it before! Kids don't need toys - well not millions of them anyway, or books. They have a few at a time in their room and then we can swap for the ones in storage as we go along, probably learning more about what they really want to play with along the way.

And clearing out feels so good, accompanying the massive changes that are still taking place in this home, making way for the new.

A favourite phrase from the book: the best thing we can do for our kids is often to stay out of their way. Another little project for the parents to be working on...!

Love spelled T.I.M.E.

I touched on a book some years ago called 'What Mothers Do' by Naomi Stadlen
It lays out on the page. descriptions of mothering to replace some absurd but deeply rooted belief that it looks like nothing.

I have recently needed to come back to this reevaluation of my role as I've been plagued with unconscious thoughts that somehow home educating is a doss, a drop out of society thing, something to do to allay our frustrations at being unemployed for the third year in a row, suffocating our children's right to have fun in school, irresponsible, selfish; the list could go on if I chose to let it.

Through conversation with our life coach who herself home educated, Sally Lever (here's an excellent article she has written about this), I have been working to listen to those demons and put them to rest. Here, Sally talks about valuing what we do, accepting support and payment from wherever it comes as exchange for the work we do.

And so I rustily tried this technique of honouring what I do and I really recommend it because like any exchange where one is giving time and presence in any space in our communities, by choosing to home educate, we are contributing priceless amounts into the present and the future.

I still struggle I think with allowing myself the choice to do this and realising, really realising, that there is no one to answer to, no one to request permission from to personally oversee my children's education and life preparation. Its a taste of freedom long forgotten through lifetimes and I embrace it lovingly.

weekend

So its the weekend and we can go out without feeling like lepers! (This is all in my mind I am sure, the more comfortable I become with home edding the less I will feel so conspicuous, naughty and irresponsible).

In fact I feel very responsible, as responsible as I was with my birthing choices and early parenting choices - it can be scary to be totally present with my intentions knowing that they are fairly wild and out there in comparison with a lot of society. But hey I am me and this is now.

We are keeping very in touch with friends from school after my revelation (!) yesterday and so the whole structure of our life is undergoing a change. Everything is up in the air as we gently allow the dust to settle and the newness of the terrain to show itself. Weekends used to be about reconnecting with the children and so it was unlikely that we would reach out to others, but now we are fully connected with the children, it is a great time to meet up and play (although mindful that other schooling families will be reconnecting and having their own family time...)

Responding to my truth and trying this out for however long we try it has renewed my energy levels and probably improved my relationships with school families as I am feeling more genuine. Less depressed about feeling powerless and stuck in a school system I felt uneasy about. Not dissatisfied totally but an unease that contributed drip by drip to some overwhelming emotions of depression and anxiety. I had a course of acupuncture this summer which brought me from a very desperate place to a very empowered place which allowed us to move forwards with this decision.

Later on a friend and her son will be coming for a crafting session. Brilliant.I feel that as we are making this transition, the children are naturally remembering the things they liked about school and missing them. Its great to listen to them and feel some sadness but whereas yesterday I felt a desperation to make it all better and get them whatever they needed to feel comfortable again, today I am accepting that there will be some grieving and that we are checking in with them at all times, they know that they can go back if they want to, but actually they don't push for this, they are accepting of the change and I am learning from them :)

Feeling stronger after taking moment to myself this morning before everyone was up to draw, create and dream - to check how I'm feeling so that I can keep navigating from the inner truth and not get crashed about in the storm of change. Something like that anyway!

We are making some plans for next week for things that we'd like to do with our time. Also I am exploring new meals I can cook as my week used to only involve half this amount of family meals! .....