Timidly, boldly, valuing Me

Today a little more about me and accepting that the choices I make are down to me. Just as it was me who's emotional barometer stopped us from schooling, I've found my limit again in terms of how much I can take on. Lots of months planning the kind of work I'd like to give a go, interview, paperwork, initial training and bam I've hit my cry-o-meter buttons again.

But this time I'm listening!
I went for months, years of forcing myself through pain barriers as a teacher, as a mum, waited until something really physical snapped like a miscarriage once, nearly a marriage in another moment! Waiting for these massive external things before I'd stop forcing myself. I'd got so used to waking up with dread and tears, explaining away, reassurring everyone around me that I'm fine, head down, battle on, follow an unseen expectation or dreamed up agenda.

And then this last year with the decision to home ed, the excellent hard focused work my partner and I have done to heal our relationship I have found a new kind of living where days flow, where difficulties are shared and where the foundations are strong and nurturing. I've experienced smiling, the flow of love and of Grace, of knowing myself to be held in the palm of Love's hand.

And so the tears, lethargy, mental dizziness came all this weekend and I'm listening. I've taken a step away from work to value this pregnancy and to focus back on these children, our educating life which must take more of me than I had realised. I feel shocked (again) but I can sense that this was a necessary choice to value myself and the powerfully simple things we are doing here. This is my work for now.

Letting go of the reins

First two weeks of my part-time job with a learning curve of its own, my hardest thing, I think, is letting go of what's happening at home. Papa Weststar is grand with them all here, so thats something to accept (I am not irreplaceable!) but also here are some snippets of how I know that learning is going on in my absence.

Elderflower asked about fossils today and before either of the adults could respond, Blackberry lunged across the room for her rocks and minerals book, zoomed straight  to the paragraph with the answer and read it aloud. Voila.

Elderflower's reading is coming along beautifully.

My last little snippet is about swimming: you may remember I have commented on it before, not ever understanding how we were to learn this skill without trained tutors!! Well, E did it her way a few months back, following our instructions and adding her own stamina and determination. B took up residence in the corner of the pool for about 7 weeks on the trot, basically practising going under water and holding her breath.

It might have looked like avoidance sometimes, or general loitering, but last week she started to bounce along the bottom during these spells of breath holding. Until she asked one of us stand a little way away, and three, four strokes later there she was with the biggest beam mirrored by all present!

I love it :) x

It wasn't on The Map!

Some quite unexpected events have fallen in amongst the Weststar householders. All completely joyful, though at first glance they may seem like crises.

Just after my successful interview (you'll remember the one, big life change, half-time work, moving up and out of unemployed life, into sharing the paid work and home ed balance....) - I fell pregnant. Yes I do know how it happens, but I made a mistake about timings and this is how I find myself. And so Number 4 Weststar is on her or his way.

So up until now I've planned and dreamed and forged my way forwards with what I understood my life to be about. The map was detailed, if a little boring, I fitted in to what might be expected of me from the outside. (Well, except for the home ed I guess, and the grain-free awkwardness, and the anti-vaccine stance... OK OK dream on Westy if you think you were fulfilling expectations!)

So I thought I was following my map and pleasing those around me if they took the time to need pleasing.

But now, this absolute Gift of a soul growing in my belly is very inconvenient. We won't fit in a normal car (which we can't afford to run anyhow!), we are still largely unemployed in any real monetary sense. I smart at quite how this could have happened. It wasn't on the Map!

And yet I think I feel today about as humbled and lucky as I have felt of late. Totally supported by Grace and the Flow of Life. My new boss is figuring out how to still have me in a slightly different role and probably less hours initially. Friends have come forward with help and support abundant. I've realised I really did want another little bear (and any of this is only possible because of home ed, there is no way I would bring someone else into my previous incarnation as a school-running clock-watcher) and I totally trust that we'll figure it out.

Or, to hell with figuring it out. Its already sorted, we just have to surrender and go with the flow to support ourselves, continue our excellent family life and enjoy the relationships within our family and friend community that co-sustain. Hard work yes, I know that, but real ground roots work where we grow, thrive, learn and unfold.

When have unexpected things happened to you and how did you welcome them into your life? I'd love to know. Thank you for reading friends.

Gracefully Skint, Staying Confident

I can get all in a twiddle thinking which blog is which - is this just for home school stuff - do I need to be really clear about what I put on here?

And then I think of other Very Good blogs that I follow and think No! This is a blog about day-to-day life and reflections. Another place I write is Conjuring Lyrical and the distinction (kind of) is that I let myself loosen into creative flow more there, its less clear what I'm writing about.

So here, day to day, we are, financially speaking, on the ground. Floored, scraping the barrel, scratching around.
And yet, whilst that feels true some of the time, I also feel part of an abundant universe where I am very blessed. So I do get perspective on it when I can. I don't whine all the time!

Now I'm sure this is not down to home educating, though choosing to make the transition has been a full time job for both adults maintaining courage whilst buffeting each storm as we deschool. This wouldn't necessarily be the same for every family but it was for us. The transformations our lives have been through this last year have heartened and carried us a long way beyond the familiar frustrations of low-income life. Frugal Living and Voluntary Simplicity are two phrases I have learned describing ways that many people embrace this choice.

Maybe the painful moments are when I feel I'm not exercising a choice to be here, its all very well making the best of a situation and enjoying the benefits of both adults being largely at home but that can wear thin when its a struggle to buy the food for the week, petrol for the car etc. Always watching the figures, cancelling plans as the petrol prices continue to rise, imagining ways that I might ask for some help from relatives etc. All a bit dull!

My belief is that all is perfect: we draw to ourselves the situations and events that most help us evolve and grow towards the sun. Lots of learning, lots of growing. On the proactive, creative side, lets draw some strength from the anger and frustration when I feel I'm at the mercy of events or someone else's karma (is that even possible?!) - Own the Truth that we are here all together for whatever we need to learn and work through. Own the Reality that we have the money for what we truly want, its so easy to hide behind a 'we can't afford it' line, when really if we wanted it enough we'd make it happen.

I love being more home based. Its scary sometimes but it feels right. There is so much to do, feel and explore in the bosom of our hobbit hole. We don't have expensive tastes anymore which will no doubt be great when the money starts to flow a little more kindly, I grasp the value of items and services fairly acutely (please say I've learned that one now!) Our greatest expenditure bar the obvious is the decentest food we can find, local, organic, cooking from scratch, embracing our health as much as possible.

So I welcome this moment (have you noticed I write in affirmations when actually I want to grumble and whine? The next post might be the bitter twisted words that are getting pushed to the side now! or I'll save them for the sister site!) I welcome this very visceral experience of what Money has come to be, what we've made it as a global race. I trust that all is well and that we have everything we need.

How is this 'recession' or whatever we choose to call it affecting you and your family? What positive spins do you take on it when you can?

Love from Weststar, Gracefully skint, staying confident :)

Lower the anchor, simplicity as stable roots

I'm in to repitition at the moment... Started reading Mary Poppins again (and I might miss out the zoo chapter this time - have you read that?!!) much to the kids comfort. Its not like they're joyful about it or anything, its that they haven't really noticed, and I figure its not about the story, its about the prose, its about my voice, familiarity.

Picking up the subtle signs of comfort. Biggest telling her friends in Sunday Club that "Mum's reading to us", middle and youngest lying in wait for the next instalment. Its new for me to be reading 'proper' books to them and I'm not going to rush it! When so much is changing in our dynamic still (will we be including school next year? what working pattern will each of us parents find? which combination of children are with which parent at what times during the week... lots of change, trial and error, finding our balances), I'm keeping as many roots down as I can. Some stable parts of our day where we touch in to familiar ground.

I know that there are times in my own month when I can assimilate new ideas, stories, influences and other times when I just need to tread water. Ebbing and flowing. I'm carefully learning when not to push myself! See my garden (I will start attaching photos soon), still leagues behind the allotments that have inspired me, but massive steps on from last year. I can get so impatient, but you know what? phenomenal shifts are occurring all the time, even when it feels like we're moving backwards!

I read a beautiful reminder once: At the same pace that we are galloping towards our dreams, our Source, our evolved higher self, so Source is galloping towards us. Picture angels on horseback rushing to be with us, to realise our wildest aspirations, of union with All That Is.

A fab game I've refound from The Daily Groove and Dreaming Aloud - is counting the blessings, listing the things I am grateful for in the last week. (A great game to share with kids too, prompted by Sally Lever) Wow, yes alot of people have pointed me to this one in the last week !! Obviously didn't listen to one of them on their own!

This week I am grateful for: 

@ reading other blogs and feeling encouraged to keep sharing my own and developing my own style :)

@ a great natter with a friend today, a safe off loading and sharing moment in the thick of kid activity

@ a colin firth moment yesterday evening

@ a note from my biggest today (who often expresses herself with anger and frustration) saying she'd had a nice day

@ time to be with each of my children yesterday for half an hour each, they each understood to stay away when it wasn't their 'slot' allowing us to play with our dynamic

@ our lifecoach standing present through unlimited email time as a witness and support for our relationship

@ friendly happy staff at the petrol station when i realised i'd forgotten my wallet

@ having enough money for what we need

@ having time late into the evening to potter outside in our unfolding garden



Blessed Be :) x

Love spelled T.I.M.E.

I touched on a book some years ago called 'What Mothers Do' by Naomi Stadlen
It lays out on the page. descriptions of mothering to replace some absurd but deeply rooted belief that it looks like nothing.

I have recently needed to come back to this reevaluation of my role as I've been plagued with unconscious thoughts that somehow home educating is a doss, a drop out of society thing, something to do to allay our frustrations at being unemployed for the third year in a row, suffocating our children's right to have fun in school, irresponsible, selfish; the list could go on if I chose to let it.

Through conversation with our life coach who herself home educated, Sally Lever (here's an excellent article she has written about this), I have been working to listen to those demons and put them to rest. Here, Sally talks about valuing what we do, accepting support and payment from wherever it comes as exchange for the work we do.

And so I rustily tried this technique of honouring what I do and I really recommend it because like any exchange where one is giving time and presence in any space in our communities, by choosing to home educate, we are contributing priceless amounts into the present and the future.

I still struggle I think with allowing myself the choice to do this and realising, really realising, that there is no one to answer to, no one to request permission from to personally oversee my children's education and life preparation. Its a taste of freedom long forgotten through lifetimes and I embrace it lovingly.

Becoming a bit more normal

Wow what a gift to be able to hang out with my kids all day, to not have the pressures of where to be at what time with what items. We have been out of paid work for 2 years, I tried a year of self-employment and J volunteers every week plus of course applying for tens of jobs each fortnight and keeping our feelers open all the times for opportunities.

This choice to take the kids back to the home, for however long or short as unfolds, has been one of the most empowering things I have ever done. I had no idea quite what a big impact school was having on us. I am glad to have passed through the fear barrier that swamped me last week and now have arrived at a more relaxed place.

We are of course checking in with the kids (if not verbally then just taking a moment to consider how they are, whether this is still OK, whether they are missing school too much etc.) and for us it has taken back some confidence, some power.

We are both teachers and to be using our craft again is great. I will be using it differently as I am seeing learning in such a different way to the prescriptive format I learned (or understood) as a young teacher, but hey, I'm doing what I'm good at, enjoying time with these precious kids, listening mostly, playing and relaxing. Life makes sense again. :)